


The Botany of Love

by LovelyLotus



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist-centric, Akira's family is not good in this, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Childhood Friends, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Interdependency, Kissing, M/M, Medical-related trauma, Non-Explicit Sex, P5R Spoilers, Rivals, Secret Identity, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide - Mamakechi, Telepathy, domestic abuse, references to alcoholism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:34:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28074039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyLotus/pseuds/LovelyLotus
Summary: The day his mark appears, Ren wakes up screaming in pain.It circles his throat like a scarred collar. Anemones, asphodels, and roses curling across his skin, maroon.He’s 9 and his parents are horrified.Everyone's born with flowers on their skin, leading them to their other halves. Ren and Akechi find each other when they're children first, their bond running deeper than most.
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 121
Kudos: 650
Collections: Marigolds Discord Recs





	1. when ripe, we reap

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pana (panaceaa)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/panaceaa/gifts).



> Special thanks to [xtobefreex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xtobefreex) for looking over this for me <3\. I appreciate you so so much <3 Also [tash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/corrupted_voracity/pseuds/corrupted_voracity) for emotional support. You're the best babe <3

The day his mark appears, Ren wakes up screaming in pain.

It circles his throat like a scarred collar. Anemones, asphodels, and roses curling across his skin, maroon.

He’s 9 and his parents are horrified.

They hurl ugly words at each other about whose fault it is while Ren sinks guiltily into the red couch in the living room and wishes he could disappear.

That day, his parents buy him his first turtleneck. 

His mother makes him a list of rules. The most important one is he’s not supposed to show anyone his mark. If the kids at school find out, they’d tell their parents, who’d tell their friends, and then everybody would know, _which would be a nightmare,_ his mother emphasizes, underlining the rule with her pen. 

The doctors say it’s too soon. His colors are all wrong, and it’s in an unusual place. Most soulmarks are in shades of pink, yellow, and blue. Bright colors for happiness, affection, and friendship. They appear anywhere from 14 to 18 years of age, wrapping around ankles and wrists and elbows and thighs. The rarest, most intimate bonds appear right over the heart. 

Marks are most common. Some soulmates share feelings or talents. They say the more signs you have, the more made for each other you are. His mother tells him that’s just a silly myth, but Ren believes it. 

Soon, when he can’t wear turtlenecks because of the weather, his mother ties a slate gray scarf around his neck, wrapping it tight. The kids at school think he looks ridiculous, wearing a scarf in the summer. _What does it matter?_ Ren thinks, cheeks hot. Nobody really likes talking to him anyway. And he doesn’t care. He doesn’t.

Sometimes, if he waits near the end of the line to go to the playground for recess, he can sneak away to the library instead. He likes hiding from the librarian between the cramped rows of stacked books and reading whatever he can get his hands on. It’s better than kicking pebbles around the asphalt, waiting for a turn on the swing set that would never come. 

He’s tired of his parents keeping things about his mark from him, so he decides to take it into his own hands. He returns to the library after school and tells the librarian he’s doing a research project on soulmates and she helps him find the right book on Bond Theory. He flips to the glossary in the back after skimming the long, boring introduction. 

Chapter 4. Page 54.

He turns eagerly.

Pink for deep affection and love.

Yellow for joy.

Red for passion.

Blue for loyalty and trust.

Purple for _you are my family_. 

Black for _ya’aburnee_ , you bury me.

His color is at the end of the chapter; a case study in the footnotes. 

Maroon for a love that incites agony—

Ren slams the book shut with shaking hands. Closes his eyes tight.

He leaves it on the library table and runs back to his empty house so he can bury himself under the blankets in his room.

Tangled up in the suffocating press of sheets, he remembers what the doctors told his parents. 

_What an unfortunate child. It would be best if they never met at all_.

It happened that way sometimes. His parents weren’t soulmates. They didn’t even like each other most days. Ren didn’t really understand why they’d stayed together for so long, but he knew it was something he shouldn’t ask.

He doesn’t really see them most days now anyway. They work late and travel for work often. As long as he keeps his grades up, they don’t care.

But Ren likes it that way, so it’s okay. 

He knows how to take care of himself.

*

*

*

His mother doesn’t talk about his soulmark. She hates looking at it. Ren tries to keep it hidden when she’s around. 

After work, at night, she likes sitting on the dining room table and drinking the icky stuff she keeps on top of the refrigerator. It makes her breath smell really bad. When she drinks too much, she always gets mad.

She calls Ren over and unloops his scarf from his throat. She stares at his mark and shudders in revulsion.

“What kind of a monster do you have to be to attract a love like that?” she asks him.

Ren stays quiet. He doesn’t know.

“Well?” she asks.

“I— I’m not a monster, Mommy,” he promises.

“Then why is that on your neck?”

She squeezes his mark a little too hard. He can’t breathe. Eyes wide, Ren scrabbles back, out of her hold, coughing.

“Cover it up!” his mother yells, covering her eyes. “I can’t stand looking at that disgusting thing. I’m sorry, sweetheart. It’s all your father’s fault.”

Ren nods mutely.

He grabs his scarf and wraps it around his mark before escaping to his room. He locks the door and hides under his blankets, shaking. If he cries, it’s only because he’s bewildered. 

He’s not a monster. He’s not. He knows he’s not. 

He feels ugly.

*

*

*

The feelings come next, a constant downpour like a never ending storm. 

Despair. Fury. Loneliness.

The first few times their feelings slipstream into each other, it takes Ren a long time to untangle them. He’s used to the gnawing hunger of being alone, but this deeper despair belongs to his other half.

His soulmate’s misery pulses like a charred heart in the blank space of Ren’s chest.

Ren can’t bear it. Wasn’t the point of having a soulmate to be there for them?

He desperately wants to do something for them. Anything.

So he places his hand on his throat, right over his mark. He closes his eyes and reaches for them. It’s a little like searching for someone’s hand in the dark. 

_I’m here_ , Ren thinks. He takes in their hatred, their wrath, their sadness. His throat and skin burn like the stinging lash of winter wind. His eyes tear up, something piercing deep like a splinter, but Ren can handle it. He closes his eyes and weathers it—lets the pain bleed out slowly. He clutches his throat tight enough to bruise in the shape of handprints.

He wants to give his soulmate happiness, but his memories are diluted, milky and intangible. He can’t find it anywhere. He wants to send them love, but he doesn’t know what it feels like.

Finally, Ren settles for acceptance. He thinks of the street cats he’s fond of. The feeling of holding his hand out to them for the first time. Watching them come near slowly. The warmth of their bodies curled up on his lap. Their sleek coats and sharp eyes. His silent respect for them. 

The pain slips away.

Ren starts doing it everyday. Whenever he can, he reaches for his other half. At first, he thinks his soulmate doesn’t notice, but one day he feels them reach back for him. 

It’s a rough motion, a vicious grab for comfort. Something’s happened. His soulmate is hurt. Ren clutches at his throat, feeling his eyes start to water. He raises his hand and asks to go to the bathroom. 

He actually runs outside to the courtyard. It’s always empty. Ren finds a secluded corner where no one will find him.

 _I’m here_ , Ren repeats. _I’m here_.

The pain surges. Ren lets it wrack through his body like a riptide. He bites his sleeve hard so he doesn’t scream. He trembles. 

His soulmate is in agony.

Ren imagines he’s holding them close, stroking a hand through their hair, brushing tears away. 

_I don’t want you to hurt anymore_ , Ren thinks.

Slowly, the pain dissolves away.

Ren goes to the bathroom and fixes his untidy appearance; brushing his bangs over his face and making sure his throat is covered by the turtleneck. The stretch of the material against his burning mark is deeply uncomfortable, but his mother’s warning is firmly ingrained in his mind. 

Ren is good. He won’t show his mark to anyone.

The teacher is angry that Ren was gone for so long, but Ren doesn’t say anything and she moves on to teach the rest of the lesson.

From then, things change. Like a wounded animal, his soulmate slowly begins reaching for him, withdrawing almost immediately afterwards. It happens at all times of day, but the middle of the night is most common.

Ren offers wordless comfort. Imagines hugging them as hard as he can. Rubbing a hand up and down their back and tucking his chin over their shoulder. Sometimes, he feels like he’s being hugged back but he can’t know for sure.

Almost a month passes before his soulmate settles. They stop yanking on his hand all the time, tugging for him instead. Ren can’t help but feel like he's passed a test. Like he did something right. 

And it hurts. Sometimes the pain doesn’t end until morning. Sometimes the grief feels a little too big for Ren’s body. But he bites his lip and bears it because his soulmate needs him. And Ren’s never been needed before. Never been relied on. It makes him feel all warm inside like he’s a pail full of sunlight, sploshing over or something. 

They’re his special someone. His other half. Ren wants to protect them more than anything. But he doesn’t know why they hurt. Only that they do. Only that he can’t stop it from happening. He doesn’t tell anyone what he’s doing. He hides it, knowing instinctively his parents would make him stop. He doesn’t want to stop. He doesn’t want his soulmate to live one day feeling this kind of pain alone if he could halve it for them. 

And he’s grateful. Ever since he first reached out to them, he’s felt so much less alone. Ren thinks his soulmate might be alone too. He can feel their hand on his hand sometimes. Like a soft brush of heat against his skin.

*

*

*

A boy at school named Kenji starts talking to him out of nowhere one day. He invites Ren to play a chess match at recess. It has to be that his soulmate knows how to play chess because, despite never having played before, Ren wins.

Kenji has other friends. He’s actually one of the more popular kids at school, but he starts being extra nice to Ren. His other friends don’t like Ren very much, but Ren ignores it. He’s never had a friend before. Kenji is his first.

He and Kenji play Feathermen sometimes. Ren likes Black Condor best. Kenji likes Yellow Owl so it works out. Kenji gets a little rough sometimes, pushing him or punching his shoulder. Ren doesn’t like it, but Kenji says it’s just part of the game. Ren doesn’t complain because he doesn’t want Kenji to stop playing with him.

Kenji tries to beat Ren in chess a bunch of times. 

It never works. 

Pride swells in Ren’s heart. His soulmate is probably really really good. They’re probably the best. 

Kenji doesn’t like it. He says Ren must be cheating. He’s right, even though he doesn’t know about Ren’s soulmate. Guilty, Ren tries to stop, but he can’t turn it off. And eventually, he plays so many matches, he just knows what to do. Kenji doesn’t give up though, which is nice.

And Ren still reaches for his soulmate all the time. He always touches his throat when he thinks of them. Which is a lot. Ren wants to meet them soon. Maybe he got his mark so early because he’s going to meet them soon.

Eventually, it catches Kenji’s attention. 

One day, he asks Ren what’s under his scarf. Ren says his neck is under his scarf. Kenji asks, why are you hiding it then? Ren says his mother told him to. Kenji says, can you show me? Ren says he can’t; he has to be good.

Then Kenji keeps insisting for days. Friends aren’t supposed to hide things from each other, he says. Ren explains that he doesn’t want to get in trouble. Kenji gets mad at him, which makes Ren feel guilty. But Ren still says no. His mom told him not to. 

Kenji says, I guess we aren’t really friends then.

Then he starts ignoring Ren again.

When Ren approaches him at recess, he turns away and all of his friends jeer at Ren.

One of the boys pushes Ren and tells him to go away and Kenji says nothing.

Ren thought he didn’t mind being alone, but going back to being alone after you have a friend is so much worse.

It’s like a toothache or a bruise, a constant pulse of pain driving into his skull.

Ren doesn’t want to be alone anymore.

After a miserable two weeks, he gives in. 

He catches Kenji’s sleeve.

“I’ll show you.”

Kenji gives him a big toothy grin.

“I knew we were friends.”

It doesn’t make Ren feel good. He tells Kenji they have to be alone so they wait until all the kids leave the classroom. Ren doesn’t undo his scarf all the way; just enough so Kenji can see a bit of his mark. Kenji leans forward, eyes wide.

Suddenly, Kenji’s friends burst into the classroom. 

“You said his head’s going to fall off, man!” “Yeah! Like the urban legend!” “The Green Ribbon!”

Kenji doesn’t bother answering them. He’s staring at Ren’s neck, his face pale. 

“What’s wrong with you?” he asks.

Ren backs away, eyes burning. He feels his whole body shaking, his legs wobbling like he’s walking on stilts. He sprints out of the classroom and out of the school until he’s so far he can’t see anyone or anything anymore. He doesn’t even realize he’s running towards the shoreline until the sea crashes in front of him like cymbals. 

The pebbled beach is empty. Ren’s been here before. It’s low tide so he climbs up a rock he likes that juts up out of the water towards the sky. He rips the hem of his school uniform as he climbs. He doesn’t care.

He stares at the pale sea and then he’s sobbing and sobbing and his tears won’t stop. His nose is dripping and his head hurts. Something shatters inside him like broken glass.

He clutches his knees to his chest, shuddering. 

_I’m here_

Ren freezes at the sound of the unfamiliar voice. He looks around but the beach is still empty. He’s still by himself. 

_Don’t be sad. It’s annoying._

Ren flinches. The voice is still there. 

_Hello_? Ren thinks. 

The voice startles.

 _I’m going insane_. _They’re going to lock me up._

 _They are?_ _But why?_ Ren asks curiously, sniffling.

 _Because I’m hearing someone in my thoughts_.

 _I am too_ , Ren admits, wiping his eyes. _Um, does that mean they’re going to lock me up too?_

They gasp, surprise spilling over into Ren. His neck tingles, and suddenly Ren knows who they are.

 _Are you my special someone?_ he asks eagerly. 

Soulmate (?) wheezes.

 _S-special someone?_

_You know, my soulmate_ , Ren explains, twisting his fingers in his curls. He rubs more tears away. His wet face dries salt from the sea breeze. He’s too excited to keep crying.

His soulmate clears his throat.

 _I suppose that’s the only explanation for… whatever this is. It’s quite unusual to speak to someone in my own mind like this_.

His soulmate talks like a book. Ren loves books.

 _Keep your embarrassing thoughts to yourself!_ his soulmate barks, sounding flustered.

 _Oh, oops. Did I think that out loud?_ Ren wonders.

 _You’re still thinking out loud,_ his soulmate scolds.

 _Aah I can’t stop_ , Ren replies, flustered. 

_Figure it out._ His soulmate sounds embarrassed.

 _I’m trying_ , Ren thinks.

 _Try harder_ , his soulmate thinks back with a scoff.

Ren pouts.

 _What’s your name?_ he asks.

 _G—_ the rest of the words cut out, like static.

_Say it again? I didn’t catch it._

_G—_

_Hmm. For some reason, I can’t hear it. Can you hear my name? It’s Ren Amamiya._

_What? I just heard white noise._

_I’ll try again. Ren Amamiya._

His soulmate mentally shakes his head.

_I don’t think this is going to work._

_That’s so stupid! I want to call you by your name!_ Ren complains.

 _You can just keep calling me what you call me_ , his soulmate says shyly.

 _What if we came up with codenames instead?!_ Ren suggests, almost bouncing.

 _Codenames?_

_Yeah! Like we’re secret agents_. 

His soulmate immediately perks up. 

_Secret agents?_ his soulmate clears their throat. _Not bad… I guess I’ll be Crow then._

 _I like crows,_ Ren says. _They’re so smart._

_I already picked Crow! You have to pick something else._

_I didn’t want Crow! I just like crows_ , Ren explains, frowning. His soulmate is a meanie.

_I can still hear you!_

Oops.

 _So what code name do you want?_ his soulmate asks.

 _I wanna be Kitty Cat!_ Ren thinks excitedly.

 _How old are you_? Crow asks, exasperated.

_I’m 9._

_9? You’re practically a baby_ , Crow scoffs.

_Well, how old are you?_

_I’m 10,_ Crow says proudly.

 _You’re only one year older than me,_ Ren points out. He feels a phantom sensation on his cheeks, like his soulmate’s pinching them.

 _Baby,_ his soulmate repeats.

Ren crosses his arms. _I’m not a baby just because I want my code name to be Kitty Cat._

 _I refuse to call you that,_ Crow says. _It’s so embarrassing._

 _Meanie!_ Ren complains, pointedly this time. _It’s not as though you have to tell anyone. It’s just between us._

 _I’m going to call you Kitten,_ Crow decides. _Because you’re a baby._

 _I’m not a baby!_ Ren repeats, annoyed. _I want a cool codename._

_Then come up with something else._

Ren draws a blank.

_Kitten it is._

Ren huffs angrily. 

_Fine,_ he agrees. _But only for now._

He wipes the rest of his tears off his sticky face. 

_Why were you so upset?_ Crow asks. _It was the first time you reached for me._

 _I did?_ Ren asks. _I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry._

 _Don’t apologize. It’s not like I minded or anything,_ his soulmate admits.

_But still. I didn’t want to bother you._

_Who says you’re bothering me, idiot! Just tell me what made you upset._

Ren laughs. He already feels better. 

_It’s nothing. I don’t even care anymore._

_Are you sure_? Crow asks, dubiously.

_Mmhm._

_Okay._

_Do you live in Japan?_ Ren wonders, swinging his legs over the edge of the rock face. The sea is a light green blue today.

_Yes. I’m assuming you do as well?_

_Yup!_ Ren thinks.

He and Crow start talking about other things. A lot of other things. Crow loves Phoenix Feathermen Ranger R too. His favorite feathermen is Red Hawk. They have the same favorite colors and they love the same book series. 

They talk and talk and talk.

Ren’s never spoken to anyone this much before. He didn’t even think it was possible. He usually doesn’t like talking, but when it comes to Crow he somehow doesn’t mind. He likes listening to Crow too. 

Crow has such a pretty voice.

 _Kitten!_ Crow yells threateningly. 

Ren gets the feeling Crow’s whole face is red.

 _Sorry!_ Ren thinks, embarrassed. Aaah he needs to get better at the whole hiding his thoughts thing fast. What if he thinks something really stupid and accidentally tells Crow?

When the sun starts setting, Ren knows he has to go home. His mom is going to be furious. He hopes he won’t get punished too badly.

 _Why will she be mad?_ Crow asks, something narrow in his voice.

 _I broke a rule. And now I skipped school too._

Ren starts the long trek home.

_Kitten, I want to try something._

_What?_

_Instead of thinking words to me, think a picture to me_ , Crow orders.

 _Okay._ Ren glances around at the crimson sunset on the waters of his seaside town. The pebble beaches and seaglass. His favorite rock, the one he’d been sitting on. He blinks like a camera flash and pushes it into the stream of consciousness between Crow and him like a little paper boat.

 _Did you get it, Birdie?_ Ren asks.

 _W-what did you call me?_

_It’s a nickname for Crow_ , Ren explains.

_Birdie is longer than Crow! And it has more letters! And more syllables!_

_I think it’s cute!_

_You’re so—_ his soulmate cuts off, like he doesn’t know what to say. Finally, Crow sighs. _It’s getting late. The sun is setting. You should hurry home._

Ren nods, hurrying back through the empty streets. The five o’clock song has already played. 

_Did you see the picture?_

_I did_ , Crow says. _You live in a nice place._

_Where do you live? Can you send me a picture?_

His soulmate stiffens. 

_No. I’d rather not._

_Okay._ Ren thinks. He imagines holding his soulmate’s hand as he walks and swinging it back and forth. _Can you feel that?_ he asks. 

_You’re holding my hand_ , his soulmate says.

 _I am!_ Ren smiles, giddy. _Do you want to try?_

Ren feels a phantom sensation pinching his cheek again.

 _Ow. You pinched me again_ , Ren complains, rubbing it even though Crow hadn’t actually pinched anything.

 _Ha. This could be amusing_ , Crow thinks.

A street cat comes up to Ren and weaves between his legs. Ren stops to pet her. He sends Crow an image of the kitty cat. She has beautiful dappled gray fur.

_Look! It’s a kitty._

_I see_ , Crow says. _You like cats?_

 _Yes! They’re my favorite,_ Ren replies.

 _I should have guessed._

_Do you play chess?_

Crow's bewilderment come through. _How did you..._

Ren laughs. He knew it!

He eventually stands up, continuing his walk home. The cat keeps him company as he goes. Crow is doing his homework. He has to read a packet of poems for English class. He talks to Ren as he works on it.

 _Will you read me one?_ Ren asks.

 _Do you really want me to?_ Crow asks, shyly.

_Yes. I asked, didn’t I?_

_No one really likes listening to me_ , Crow says.

 _I already told you I like listening to you_ , Ren thinks.

Crow blushes again.

 _Okay. This one is called ‘Fog.’ You’ll like it because it has a cat._ _Are you ready?_

_I’m ready._

Crow clears his throat. 

_Okay. ‘The fog comes on little cat feet. It sits looking over harbor and city on silent haunches and then moves on.’_ Crow recites the poem clearly, his voice slightly raised like he’s giving a speech. He says it in English, translating in his mind as he reads so Ren can understand.

Ren claps when it’s over. He wants to ask Crow to read him more, but he’s already home.

He enters the house nervously. His mom isn’t back from work yet. He doesn’t know where his dad is. He’s safe for now.

Ren goes up to his room. He left his backpack at school so he can’t do homework or read. He bothers Crow for a little bit until Crow asks him to leave him in peace to finish his homework.

Ren’s room is kind of bare. The walls don’t really have anything on them. Maybe he should tape a drawing or something up in case Crow wants to see what his room looks like. He doesn’t want Crow to think he’s boring.

Ren takes a bath then creeps down the stairs to the kitchen so he can make something to eat. He cooks an omelet and gobbles it down, hungry because he skipped lunch. He usually buys some bread to eat. He’s tired from crying and his head still hurts a little, but he’s happier than he’s ever been before. He doesn’t feel alone anymore.

 _Crow_? Ren thinks.

_What, Kitten?_

_Nothing. I just wanted to make sure you were still there._

_Where do you think I’m going_? Crow asks.

Ren laughs. _I don’t know._

He changes into his pajamas, turns on his night light, and buries himself under his blankets. Crow is done with his homework so he and Ren talk until they fall asleep.

_Goodnight, Crow._

_Goodnight, Kitten._

*

*

*

Ren is shaken awake at 12 AM.

His mother is home. Her eyes are lit up like braziers and she has dragon’s breath again. 

“I got a call from the school today. Why didn’t you attend your afternoon classes?” she asks.

Ren’s scared. His mother always knows when he lies somehow. He’s not very good at it, so he stays quiet. Telling her what actually happened is unthinkable.

“There’s no excuse for bad behavior, Ren,” his mother slurs coldly. “Do you have nothing to say for yourself?”

“I-I’m sorry,” Ren says. 

“Do you have something else you need to tell me?” his mother asks.

Ren’s blood chills. He can’t open his mouth.

His mother’s eyes flash.

“What were the rules?” she asks. 

How does she know? How can she possibly know?

“I—” Ren’s voice breaks off. He can’t speak.

“You showed someone your mark today. Don’t try to hide it, you little brat. The school told me all about it.”

“I’m sorry,” Ren pleads. 

“Get up,” his mother says, dispassionately.

“Why?” Ren asks nervously.

“Don’t ask me why!” his mother yells. “You broke the rules, Ren. I don’t want to do this.” 

“I’m sorry,” Ren repeats, crawling out of bed. The floor is ice cold under his toes.

His mother leads him to the closet. 

No! 

Not again. He hasn’t had a time out in so long. His last one was before he got his soulmark. He’s tried really hard to be good. 

“Please,” Ren begs.

His mother puts a hand on his cheek. She exhales and Ren winces from the rancid smell. “I really wish you’d thought about your behavior earlier today, Ren. It won’t be long. Only two hours. I hope it’ll help you in the future, and you’ll think before you make bad decisions.”

She opens the closet door and the inky blackness spills out. 

Ren freezes in terror. 

“Mommy, I’m sorry.”

His mother’s eyes bore into him like coals.

“Don’t try to manipulate me! Go in, Ren. If you keep disobeying me, your time out will be longer.”

Ren wants to tell her he wasn’t trying to manipulate anyone. He knows she won’t believe him. So, he obediently sits on the hardwood floor. The closet is too small to spread out, so he clutches his knees.

“Be good, Ren,” she reminds.

Then she shuts the door.

Ren sinks in pitch black darkness. He can’t even see the outline of his own limbs.

At first he’s okay.

 _I’m not scared._ Ren chants. _I’m not scared. I’m not scared._

Then he realizes his lungs aren’t filling up properly. 

It’s like being inside a coffin. Like he’s being buried alive. He’s suffocating.

He tries breathing slower.

Something skirts over his leg. Ren almost shrieks, but he can’t make any noise.

It feels like a spider. Ren knows there’s spiders in the closet. He’s seen them before when grabbing his coat.

What if they crawl all over him and bite him? What if they go into his mouth? 

Ren covers his mouth with hand so they can’t enter, but then he can’t breathe again.

He wants to bang on the door and beg to be let out, but that would make mommy even more angry.

There’s no difference whether his eyes are closed or not, so Ren closes them. 

He feels like something is breathing on the back of his neck. It must be a monster. Ren curls into a ball. 

He tries to let air fill his chest, but it’s getting harder and harder. Like his lungs are stone. There’s a scream trapped in his chest.

Help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me _—_

_Kitten?_

Crow.

In Ren’s panic, he’d forgotten that he’d met Crow today. Crow is still here with him. 

He’s not alone. 

Ren’s so relieved he starts crying again.

_What’s wrong?_

_I’m okay_ , Ren answers quickly.

_You’re not. What’s going on?_

_It’s just a timeout. I’m sorry for waking you up, Birdie._

He already feels better, just from hearing Crow’s voice.

 _Where are you?_ Crow demands.

By accident, the image spills over their bond. 

_Why is it so dark?_ Crow asks.

 _I’m in the closet,_ Ren says.

_Why are you in the closet?_

_I told you! I’m on time out._

_In a closet? But you’re scared of the dark, aren’t you?_

Ren stiffens. Maybe Crow’s going to call him a baby again.

 _I’m not,_ Ren insists.

 _I’m scared of the dark too_ , Crow admits. 

_You are?_ Ren asks in surprise.

Crow shifts uncomfortably. 

_Yes. Can you escape?_

Ren shakes his head. 

_Mommy locks the door. Also, if I disobey her again, she’ll get really mad._

_She sounds like trash._

Ren makes a scandalized gasp.

 _Crow! You can’t call people that_ , he scolds.

_I call it as it is. You went missing for hours and she punishes you like this? She’s the one who's wrong._

_I was bad_ , Ren explains. _I have to be punished._

_How were you bad?_

_I told you earlier. I broke a rule._

_What rule?_

_She asked me not to show my soulmark to anyone because it’s strange I got it so early_ , Ren explains deciding not to tell Crow about the strange color of his mark. _She doesn’t like anything being strange. One of my friends in school, well I guess he’s not my friend anymore, kept asking me to show it to him. I said no, but then he started ignoring me._

Crow groaned. _Don’t tell me you showed it to him today. Is that why you were crying before?_

_Yeah. He and his friends started bullying me about it._

Crow snorts. _He’s probably jealous you got yours early. Immature trash._

Ren really didn’t think it was that. But he wasn’t going to tell Crow.

 _Where’s your soulmark?_ Crow asks.

 _Around my neck,_ Ren says.

He feels a ghostly sensation pressing against his mark.

_What about you, Crow?_

_My heart,_ Crow says. 

Ren puts his hand against his chest where his heart is. He feels like he can almost feel Crow’s heart beat alongside his own. Maybe he can. They’re soulmates after all.

 _Are you okay now_? Crow asks.

 _Can you stay with me just a little longer?_ Ren pleads, uncharacteristically. _I’m sorry._ He doesn’t like needing anyone like this, but he feels if Crow goes he won’t be able to stand this.

_How long is your time out?_

_Two hours,_ Ren says.

_I suppose I can wait it out with you._

_Can you tell me a story?_ Ren asks.

 _Baby_ , Crow snorts. But he doesn’t sound condescending like before. Crow almost sounds a little fond, like he doesn’t mind.

Crow is good at telling stories. He tells one about a prince and a thief who become best friends. He has so many talents. Ren’s a little worried Crow will be mad at him later if he doesn’t find a talent to share back. He’ll start looking tomorrow.

He’s too wired to fall asleep. One hour comes and goes. Then two. Then three. Four.

 _Disgusting lying trash_ , Crow scoffs.

 _She just forgot_ , Ren explains. _Maybe she fell asleep._

_How can she forget leaving you here?_

_I’m really quiet. People don’t really notice me or remember me_ , Ren says. 

_She’s your mother,_ Crow says. He sounds personally betrayed, even though it’s not his mom.

 _We’re not close,_ Ren says.

_That doesn’t matter._

Ren doesn’t know how to respond to Crow’s outrage. It doesn’t feel the same as usual. Crow’s anger is usually prickly and sharp, like a porcupine. This anger is soft and warm. It wraps around Ren protectively, like a coat. 

_It’s really late, Crow. If you need to go to sleep, it’s okay,_ Ren thinks.

Crow huffs. _I’m not leaving you alone, you idiot. You’ll probably start crying and wake me up again._

Despite his words, Crow doesn’t sound annoyed at all.

Ren feels ghost arms wrap around his back.

 _Are you hugging me?_ he asks, surprised.

_Hug me back, you fool._

So Ren does.

Eventually, in the early dawn hours, his mom lets him out. They don’t say anything to each other.

Ren curls in his bed and pretends Crow is right next to him. He reaches for Crow’s hand and Crow holds his hand right back.

 _Thank you, Birdie,_ Ren says.

 _You don’t have to thank me._

Ren feels a phantom sensation brush through his curls. 

_Go to sleep, Kitten._

*

*

*

After that, he and Crow start talking every day, non-stop. 

Crow is super smart. He knows so many things. He likes memorizing facts, which he calls trivia. Ren makes a game of pointing to random things and asking Crow to tell him about it. Whenever Crow doesn’t know something, he gets so mad. It’s funny.

He and Ren compete over learning silly things. They share their talents, so as soon as one of them can do it, the other can too.

Ren learns to whistle first. Crow learns to snap first. They don’t know which one of them learned how to blow a bubble with bubblegum first because they both told each other they could do it at the same time. 

They like watching TV together because it feels like they’re sitting right next to each other. They don’t stop talking when the show goes on, but Crow always shushes him when an exciting part comes on. They watch a lot of Phoenix Ranger Feathermen R. It’s their favorite program.

Nowadays, whenever Crow gets mad or upset, Ren reaches out to him without even thinking about it. He always just knows. 

And Crow knows him too. When Ren gets lonely or sad, Crow holds his hand. Actually, Crow likes holding Ren’s hand all the time, whenever they’re not doing anything with them. If Ren points it out, he knows Crow will get all embarrassed and stop immediately. 

They still share their pain, their sadness, their fear when they wake up from nightmares.

But now, they share their happiness as well. 

And Ren feels happy all the time. Crow does too. It’s like a top spinning back and forth between them. Like being on a merry-go-round.

And Crow’s the best playmate ever, even if he’s kind of really bossy.

They battle in tic tac toe and other board games. Ren moves the pieces and makes the marks for both of them. Crow finally teaches him chess properly. It’s hard to hide their thoughts from each other at first. It makes sneak attacks kind of impossible. Ren has it harder because he also has to share flashes of the board or paper with Crow while not letting his other thoughts go through. They get better over time. 

Crow says Ren is his rival.

 _What does that mean?_ Ren asks.

 _It means we make each other better,_ Crow explains.

_How?_

_We have to hone our skills in various games with each other_ , Crow says. 

He sounds like he’s reciting something. It’s probably Feathermen. 

_It’s not Feathermen!_ Crow complains loudly. He doesn’t disagree that he’s reciting something though. 

_Does that mean we get to play together more?_ Ren asks.

_Yes, silly._

_Okay! I’ll do it!_ Ren says. _I’ll be your rival._

 _You didn’t have a choice_ , Crow says proudly. _I already made you my rival._

Ren muffles his laugh with his hand.

Crow is so cute.

Every night before bed, Crow tells him a story or riddle. Whenever Ren figures the answer out, Crow’s pride in him spills over their bond. It’s addictive. It works because Ren loves listening and figuring things out while Crow loves talking and having all the answers. 

They always talk until they fall asleep, and it’s like having a sleepover every day.

Crow doesn’t like mentioning his family very much or where he lives, but Ren doesn’t push. Crow has lots of opinions on Ren’s life though. He doesn’t like Ren’s parents because they’re always too busy for Ren.

 _They’re not busy! They’re ignoring you_ , Crow argues.

 _Don’t say that,_ Ren protests. _What would they even do with me?_

_They’re supposed to talk to you and hug you and be there for you. That’s what my mom used to do. Also! They’re never ever supposed to lie._

It’s not the first time Crow’s mentioned his mom. Ren carefully files this new info with all the other stuff he knows about Crow. Crow always uses the past tense when talking about her. It makes Ren sad thinking about why.

Ren wrinkles his nose at the thought of his parents asking him a bunch of questions all the time and touching him. 

_I don’t want them to hug me. You could just hug me instead_ , he points out. Crow grumbles but wraps Ren in a phantom hug willingly. Ren hugs Crow right back.

Vague imprints of warmth on his skin. It feels like curling up in the sunlight for a nap.

*

*

*

It’s one of the days when Crow accidentally wakes Ren up with a nightmare, fear jolting through their limbs like electricity sparking between two conductors.

Crow screams for his mother. 

_Crow!_ Ren calls soothingly. _Wake up. It’s just a dream._

Crow snaps awake.

An image flashes before Ren’s eyes, bursting like shrapnel. A body lying in a tub. There’s red everywhere. Everywhere. Ren’s hands are cover—

 _Don’t look!_ Crow yells.

It’s too late. Ren runs to the bathroom and pukes. He can’t— 

_Close your eyes!_

It’s not the most helpful direction when the image is seared on the insides of Ren’s eyelids.

Crow is sobbing. 

_Birdie_ , Ren thinks softly. He starts a babbling stream of thoughts, just talking so Crow can hear his voice—can hear he’s still there. It’s easy to forget sometimes that Crow’s only one year older than him.

He rinses his mouth three times before brushing his teeth. 

Then he goes back to bed and imagines pulling Crow into a hug. 

It takes a long time, but Crow eventually hugs back.

 _My mother committed suicide last year. I was the one who found her_ , he explains, miserably. _I— I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to show you._

 _It’s okay, Birdie. I’m here_ , Ren thinks. _I’m here._

He knits together all the things Crow makes him feel. The comfort, the closeness, the warmth. Love. He imagines tucking it around Crow like a fuzzy blanket.

 _Don’t go_ , Crow begs, still crying.

 _I won’t_ , Ren swears. _You’re my best friend and my special someone. I’ll never ever leave you. I’m yours forever._

Crow sniffs.

 _Do you promise?_ he asks.

Ren imagines wrapping their pinkies together.

_I promise._

Crow wraps his pinky back around Ren’s, catching on.

They curl up beside each other like ghosts, eyes closed so they can forget they’re not actually together, clutching their hands tight.

 _I’m here_ , Ren says again. He repeats it until Crow falls back asleep.

*

After that, Crow tells him everything. He tells him about the boys home. About the detective that carried him from his house where his mother died and gave him hot chocolate and a blanket. About the foster families. About the bruises they leave on his skin.

Ren holds his hand through it all. He doesn’t know what to say.

 _Can I come find you?_ Ren asks. _Maybe you can come live with me?_

 _I want to live with you,_ Crow says. _But it won’t work. Your parents probably won’t let me stay._

_I can ask them!_

_Don’t._ Crow’s voice is sharp.

 _Why?_ Ren asks.

_I don’t trust them, Kitten._

_You don’t trust anyone_ , Ren complains.

_For good reason. And that’s not true. I trust you._

Ren blushes.

_Really?_

_Of course I do, silly. You’re my special someone too._

Ren gets the giddy feeling again. Like he wants to skip or dance.

 _Just this is enough for now_ , Crow says. _I’ll come find you when we get older._

 _Ok. I’ll wait for you_ , Ren promises.

Ren wonders if they’re going to get married one day. Most soulmate pairs get married, so they probably will too. He blushes at the thought. Being married to Crow… he would really really like that. He’d get to be with Crow every day, and Crow would be his family. They’d be husbands.

Crow breaks into a loud coughing fit like he’s choked on something.

 _Crow?_ Ren calls out, alarmed.

 _N-nothing._ Crow sounds really flustered. 

_Okay,_ Ren thinks suspiciously. _If you’re sure._

*

*

*

And Ren’s kind of desperate to be good enough for Crow. 

Crow’s the coolest person he’s ever met. He’s smart and funny and sly and good at almost every game they play. He’s Ren’s best friend. He’s not always honest, but that’s okay because Ren is too honest, according to Crow.

Crow’s staying in a foster family that’s not too bad this time. Ren always gets vague glimpses of what he’s doing like Crow gets for him. Crow studies mostly. And reads. And plays chess at chess club. Ren loves backseat driving his chess club matches. Crow always gets annoyed which makes Ren laugh. Sometimes Ren makes good suggestions though, and Crow takes them. 

Ren wants to be as smart as Crow.

He studies a whole bunch so he can impress Crow by getting even better grades.

Crow always says, _Not bad, Kitten_ , whenever Ren does well and it makes Ren so happy he wants to roll around on the floor covering his face.

He starts learning dance. His parents are willing to pay for lessons because they think all the neighbors will be impressed or something. Ren doesn’t really get it, but he loves dancing so it’s okay. He’s also excited because he’ll finally have a talent to share back with Crow.

Ren’s the only boy in his dance class, but he doesn’t really mind. He’s good at focusing, so he doesn’t feel self-conscious or anything. His teacher is very strict, but she always praises him.

Crow thinks all the girls in his dance class _like_ like him, but that’s ridiculous. Crow is really silly sometimes. Ren just rolls his eyes and brushes it off. Crow doesn’t seem to understand that nobody actually likes Ren at all. He’s always been the black sheep in his grade. Nobody talks to him or wants to play with him. It used to hurt, but now that Ren has Crow he doesn’t care.

One day, he and Crow are trying to figure out how to play Feathermen together despite not being in the same place. They’ve already decided Crow will be Ranger Red Hawk and Ren will be Ranger Black Condor. Ren’s sitting on a bench under a big tree, reading a book while he argues with Crow in his mind.

Someone grabs Ren’s shoulder and Ren startles, dropping his book.

It’s Kenji.

Crow goes quiet. Ren has told him a lot about Kenji. 

“Ren, I—”

Ren leans over and picks up his book and wonders how fast he can run away.

“Wait!” Kenji looks miserable. “I wanted to say… I… I miss playing with you.”

Ren looks down at his feet. Oh.

 _Don’t tell me you have a shred of kindness for this piece of trash_ , Crow hisses in his ear. _Stand up and walk away right now._

Ren ignores him. 

“You were a bad friend,” he tells Kenji. Ren finally has a good friend, so he knows this now.

“I’m really sorry,” Kenji says. “I want to be a better friend.”

 _Absolutely not!_ Crow yells.

“You already have your friends,” Ren says. “You don’t need to be my friend.”

“I see you alone all the time, and I feel really bad. What happened was all my fault.”

_He’s pitying you! How dare he…_

Ren tries to tune out Crow’s yelling.

“You hurt my feelings really bad,” Ren explains. “I don’t know if I want to be friends with you again.” 

He feels like he’s being a big meanie, but it’s true.

 _Get it into your head! Saying no is not being mean!_

“Oh,” Kenji says. “What can I do to say I’m sorry?”

“You don’t really have to do anything,” Ren says, standing up to walk away.

Before he can take one step, Kenji is pulling him into a clumsy hug. 

Ren recoils. 

His mark stings like a blister. Ren clutches at his throat with a pained gasp.

“Don’t touch me,” he tells Kenji, pushing the other boy away.

Kenji looks angry.

“You’re such a fricking weirdo, Amamiya! You’re lucky I even wanted to be friends with you in the first place. Whatever! I don’t care! I don’t like you anymore.”

Ren can barely hear him. He stumbles away.

 _Crow_ , Ren snaps. _You’re hurting me!_

The pain instantly fades, replaced with bone-crushing guilt.

 _I— I didn’t mean to,_ Crow says. He sounds like he’s about to cry. 

Ren slides to the ground, resting his back against a tree. 

_I’m sorry! I— I’m so sorry, Kitten._

Ren sighs. _It’s okay. Be careful next time._

_I will. I don’t know what happened._

_What were you feeling?_ Ren asks.

_I… I got mad. I didn’t like that he was touching you and making you uncomfortable. And… I got scared._

_Why were you scared?_ Ren asks.

 _You’re my best friend._ _But what if… what if you like someone better than me? Then what?_

 _I’ll never like anyone better than you_ , Ren disagrees stubbornly. _You’re mine and I’m yours. No one can ever take your place. You make me better, remember? No one else can do that. You’re special to me._

Crow stays silent.

_Do you really mean that?_

_Of course I do, silly!_ Ren relishes in the opportunity to call Crow silly for once. _I promised, didn’t I?_

 _You did_ , Crow says.

_So you don’t have to be jealous, okay?_

_I’m not jealous!_ Crow protests.

 _Really?_ Ren teases. _It kind of sounded like you were._

_Shut up, Kitten!_

Ren laughs.

_Don’t laugh at me!_

Ren imagines kissing Crow right on his forehead. He can’t wait for them to meet in real life. He’s going to give Crow a big hug. The one where you spin around and around till you fall down.

_I love you, Birdie._

Crow makes a sound like _meep._ He’s blushing, Ren knows.

_You— You’re terrible! How can you say things like that so easily?_

_Because it’s true!_ Ren explains.

 _I like you too_ , Crow admits.

 _I didn’t say like!_ Ren corrects. _I said looove. I looove you._

 _Ugh, don’t say it like that!_

Ren giggles.

Crow doesn’t even have to say it back. 

Ren knows it’s returned. It echoes back and forth across their bond like the call and response of the old jazz songs that Crow likes listening to. They can’t hide it from each other. They have one heart.

_I love you too, Kitten._

But it’s still nice to hear it.

 _I know._

*

*

*

Five years.

They grow up like a binary star system. 

Revolving around each other. Completely intertwined. 

Two halves, one soul. 

That kind of thing. 

They share a labyrinthine mind space. The same wicked sense of humor.

It’s overwhelming. It feels less like being one person than being one half of a unit. 

_Wake the fuck up, Sleeping Beauty._

Ren turns over, pulling the blanket over his head. Crow’s in his head though. He’s inescapable.

 _That’s right_ , Crow replies, amused. _You’re going to be late for school!_

 _I don’t want to go_ , Ren complains. He’s going to go, he already knows. He just wants Crow to convince him.

 _I thought we were going to go to the same high school_ , Crow challenges. _How are you going to get in if you don’t have top scores?_

Ren groans. Crow’s right. 

_I’m always right, darling._

_Shut up._

Ren rolls out of bed. He throws on his uniform and reaches for his scarf, wrapping it around his neck tight. At 14, he’s still wearing the same gray rag he’s worn since he was a child.

He still can’t tell Crow why he has to hide his soul mark. He’s hidden it for so long, it feels wrong to tell anyone. Even Crow. 

Especially Crow.

They get ready at the same time.

Ren gets a flash of Crow twisting his fingers through honey brown strands, tucking it back behind his ear.

 _Your hair’s gotten even longer!_ Ren observes. _It’s so pretty._

 _You’re so embarrassing!_ Crow protests. But he’s preening. 

Ren pops some bread into the toaster and stuffs all the papers on his desk into his bag. He and Crow like studying together but they always stay up too late when they do. They start talking, and once they start talking, it’s hard to stop.

Ren grabs the toast and slathers butter on one side before starting the walk to school. 

They walk together. 

Ren shoves the bread in his mouth and stops to pet the cats.

He sends Crow flashes of sensory experiences. Soft fur. Warm, content purrs.

Crow laughs before sending Ren the song that was looping in his head all day yesterday, which means it was looping in Ren’s head too.

 _You’re evil_ , Ren complains. 

_It’s still stuck in my head. Suffer with me. You’re the one who showed it to me in the first place._

_It’s not my fault you ended up liking it!_

Crow grabs his hand as they keep walking. 

Ren imagines kissing his cheek. 

Crow blushes, dragging him forward. It registers as a ghostly tug on his hand. Ren almost trips.

He smiles. 

_I love you, Birdie._

_I know._

And Crow is still wrathful. Ren is still empty. They both feel like shadows sometimes, haunting the world instead of fully occupying it, but they have each other. 

It’s the greatest gift Ren’s ever been given.

*

*

*

And then his parents find out. 

He’d kept it from them for years. All it took was a throwaway reference to something Crow had said. Then everything came crumbling apart.

“Whose Crow?” his mother asks.

“What?”

“I asked you who Crow was,” his mother repeats.

“O-oh. It’s a friend from school.”

She always knows when he’s lying.

They go to the Doctor’s Office. The one that specializes in soulmate bonds.

“How long have you been communicating with your soulmate, Ren?” the Doctor asks.

 _Lie_ , Crow advises. 

And Ren doesn’t question Crow. He just obeys. Crow has always had an instinct for knowing other people’s intentions.

“It started recently,” Ren says. “A couple weeks ago.”

“You should have told your parents immediately.”

Ren shrugs, feigning nonchalance. “It seemed kind of cool.”

The Doctor frowns. “Given your condition, it’s not ‘cool’ young man. It could be extremely dangerous.”

 _What the fuck is he saying?_ Crow wonders. _Your condition?_

Ren stiffens.

“The development of a telepathic bond is extremely uncommon, even in normal pairs. In these pairs, such a bond can result in unhealthy interdependency bordering on codependency. I don’t want to see what consequences it would have on you. You haven’t come in since your first visit so we don’t have any information about your… _unique_ bond to extrapolate from.”

 _Kitten?_ Crow says. _What does he mean?_

Ren tries to block the conversation from Crow, but he’s not used to hiding anything from his other half

_Answer me._

“What do you recommend we do, Doctor?” his mother asks, faking being worried.

“There’s an injection. It was designed for aberrant pairs. It’ll hopefully be able to dull the bond enough to block communication.”

Ren’s blood freezes.

“What?” he says.

“That sounds perfect, Doctor,” his mother says, smiling.

“No,” Ren says. “I don’t want to do that.”

“Right now, it may seem extreme, young man. But I assure you, you’ll be thanking me in a few years.”

Ren’s heartbeat speeds up, flinging itself against his rib cage.

“You can’t.”

“What do you mean he can’t?” his mother asks derisively. “It’s just an injection. Don’t tell me you’re still afraid of needles?”

Crow’s had to coach him through every single shot he’s taken. Ren holds an unholy terror for sharp objects puncturing his skin.

“I want to give talking to them a chance,” Ren explains.

The Doctor sighs like Ren is stupid.

“There’s already tremendous risk at this stage. This is a rare complication on top of a rare complication. It seems you’re truly unlucky, young man. You developed your soulmate bond far too early, and such a peculiar one too. This new connection is alarming. My concern is, you see, in some pairs where both partners become too close, any separation has terrible consequences mental health wise. Considering the kind of relationship you’re going to have, I just want to make sure that doesn’t happen to you, Ren.”

“But you’re the one who’s trying to separate us! And you have no clue what kind of relationship we have,” Ren counters, bristling.

“Ren! How dare you talk to the Doctor like that,” his mother scolds. “I’m so sorry, Doctor. He’s never like this at home. He’s usually a quiet child. Do you think his bond is already affecting his behavior?”

“It’s very likely,” the doctor says.

“That’s bullshit!” Ren yells, eyes flashing.

 _Kitten_ —

“Ren! Language! Go wait outside,” his mother commands.

“It’s _my_ bond you’re talking about. I’m not going to wait outside.”

“You ungrateful child,” his mother scolds. “The Doctor and I only have your best interests at heart. Why can’t you see that?”

“You’ve never had my best interests at heart! You don’t even know me!” Ren yells.

His mother looks shocked. Then the fury comes rushing in. He’s embarrassed her in front of a stranger. Her eyes chill like glaciers.

Ren trembles, still scared of her after all these years.

“Ren. Go outside right now, or you don’t want to know the consequences.”

Ren goes outside.

“I’m so sorry, doctor. You know teenagers,” his mother says as Ren closes the door.

He stands in misery.

_Darling, what did the doctor mean?_

Ren doesn’t answer. He’s desperately trying to come up with some way out of this.

 _Tell me!_ Crow demands.

Ren doesn’t know what to say. Even he’s not completely sure what the doctor means.

Crow sighs.

 _What does your soulmark look like? It’s around your neck right._

The image spins in his mind but Ren crushes it before it can spill over across their bond.

 _What are_ your _colors?_ Ren asks instead.

 _Pink and purple mostly,_ Crow answers. _There’s some tinges of gold and blue on the edges._

For half a second, Ren’s so jealous he can’t breathe.

_Kitten?_

Ren doesn’t want to answer. He doesn’t know how Crow will respond. His colors are a lie. They have to be a lie. Crow loves him so much. He would never ever hurt Ren.

The doctor calls him back in. 

He has a needle.

Ren wants to run away but his legs aren’t working.

“Just a pinch,” the Doctor says.

“Please. I don’t want to do this,” Ren begs. “I love my soulmate. I want to keep talking to them.”

“Heavens, how do you know that?” his mother asks. “What, you’ve known them for a few weeks?”

“I do,” Ren says stubbornly. “And Crow loves me too.”

“Ren, I’m sure it must seem that way. But you know what your marks mean for your bond,” the Doctor says, pretending to be sympathetic. He’s actually bored. Ren can see it in the way his eyes jolt to the clock every couple seconds or so.

Crow is slamming against his head to get his attention and it’s a heroic effort to not give in.

“Sit down,” the Doctor orders.

“Come on, Ren. Don’t be difficult.”

Ren stays on his feet, paralyzed. He doesn’t realize he’s struggling to breathe until Crow reaches for his hand.

 _Help me, Crow. Help me help me help me,_ Ren begs, starting to cry.

His mother and the Doctor stare at him with cloying pity.

 _I’m here,_ Crow says. _I’m here._

Crow squeezes his hand.

They’re stuck. Ren knows they are.

Crow is starting to cry too.

_I can’t lose you._

Ren doesn’t know which one of them thinks it. Maybe it’s both of them.

“Ren, you’re acting like a child. Come sit here and let the Doctor take a look at your mark.”

“If he’s more comfortable standing, I can come there. I would like to examine it first.”

The Doctor approaches. 

His mother reaches for the fabric covering his neck, disgust curling through her face.

His mark is revealed in its scarred glory. It’s much the same. Looking like a wound that never closed. Still circling his neck like a choker. Asphodels, anemones, and roses. There’s an interlacing vine of ivy now, intricately twining between the other flowers.

It’s gorgeous and terrifying. A riotous bloom possessively wrapped around his throat.

Crow can’t see most of it. But it’s still too late. The shades of his mark flash through their bond.

 _Why does your soulmark look like that?!_ Crow demands. Ren can feel his repugnance viscerally.

Crow thinks he’s ugly now too.

Soulmarks are a reflection of how you will be loved by your soulmate. Everyone’s always told him that. 

The Doctor clucks his tongue.

“If your Soulmate truly did love you, Ren, don’t you think the color of your mark would have changed by now?”

Crow is silent with horror.

 _Don’t listen!_ Ren demands. _He’s stupid and wrong. You do love me! I know you do._

But Crow doesn’t say anything.

Not a single word.

Not even as Ren is placed into the chair. Not even as the doctor makes him tilt his head for the shot.

 _Crow!_ Ren screams and screams and screams. _It hurts!_ he sobs, like Crow can save him.

His mark flares and burns like it’s been set on fire. 

_Birdie. Please. I’m scared._

He can’t feel Crow’s hand on his hand anymore.

His mind is silent and wrong and empty and Ren feels like he’s clawing his own brains out.

He feels like a shell. 

Like half of him is just gone. 

He opens his mouth to scream but nothing comes out.

He’s alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays!! This is for you, Cea <3\. This story was part of a Secret Santa exchange!
> 
> Chapter 2 will probably be posted next Monday. Sorry for the cliffhanger! The Green Ribbon is a horror story about a woman with a green ribbon around her neck which she never removes. In her old age, she lets her husband remove it and her head falls off.
> 
> I'm so happy to finally post my second Persona 5 fic! The first of many to come hopefully. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it! I promise it will be okay. Please let me know what you think!


	2. death is the love that blooms in our garden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goro's loved his soulmate for as long as he could remember. Then he lost him.

Mama hates her mark. 

Goro’s never seen it even though he’s asked many many times. 

He stops asking in the end because it makes her unhappy. 

The first time he sees her soulbond is when she’s lying in the tub with red water. She’s still in her clothes, but her wrist is exposed, maroon flowers twisted around her bruised skin like a faded scar. Below her mark are the lines that took her life. 

Later, he’d learn her mark was made up of aconite and petunia. The flowers of hatred and resentment.

Goro was born of that hatred. 

Sometimes it’s the only thing he feels. The only thing he _can_ feel.

He knows there’s something wrong with him. 

He’s terrified one day he’ll wake up with a mark identical to his mother’s, maroon like a curse. That they’ll trace the same path in life like a recurring loop and one day it’ll be him dying in the tub.

When he wakes up at 10, his mark blooming across his chest, his fears fly away like birds.

Tulips, camellias, and lavender curling in delicate shades of pink and purple over his heart. Roses dancing up his collarbones. His mark is so beautiful, Goro can’t help but cry. 

He wishes his mother could have seen it. She was always worried about him. 

Only months later, he’ll meet the only boy he will ever consider family again.

He’ll feel a love so deep it’s the same as breathing. The same as existing. 

Then years later, he’ll lose him like the scattering of petals. Abruptly.

His future killed in the span of one day. 

That’s the first time he dies.

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

**8 Years Later**

Ren Amamiya is probably the most frustrating person Goro’s ever met.

They’re playing billiards again at Penguin Sniper.

They’re so evenly matched in literally everything Goro would almost think they were soulmates. He knows better though. His other half is safe, ensconced away in a seaside town. As long as Goro stays far away from him, he’ll be okay.

Besides, there are numerous differences between his soulmate and Amamiya. His other half was cheerful and sweet, talkative and affectionate. Innocent. Goro’s little sun.

Ren Amamiya is somber, reticent, and moody. More lunar-inclined; Goro learns him in phases. He’s disillusioned with the system. He’s angry and honestly, Goro relates to him a little too much.

Ren Amamiya is the boy Goro will kill in two months. He himself will die a few weeks after, once he takes his revenge on Shido, of course. Despite the numerous warnings Goro has given him, he knows Ren isn’t aware of his impending end. They share a sense of camaraderie before death regardless. 

Ren Amamiya is probably more of his rival than his soulmate was, as guilty as it makes Goro feel to even think that. There was no bitterness with losing to his Kitten. His soulmate belonged to him and vice versa, so of course they’d be perfect playmates for each other. And his other half doing well always gave Goro more pride than anything. A pride that was returned tenfold from his soulmate whenever he accomplished something.

Goro wants to strangle Ren Amamiya to death every other day. He wants to drag Amamiya down to his level, spit in his face and prove that he’s no better than Goro. 

“Have you gotten your soul mark yet?” Amamiya asks, leaning over the baize.

He’s irritatingly pretty. Particularly in all the ways he curls: dark hair and long lashes, sly half-smiles, and languid limbs. Mischievous bright silver eyes. He has a way of looking at Goro that’s infuriatingly attractive.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business,” Goro replies, putting on a smile he uses on TV when dealing with nosy interviewers.

Amamiya hums like he knew Goro was going to say that.

He strikes the cue ball, a clean shot landing two stripes in the same pocket.

“Not bad,” Goro concedes, grudgingly.

Amamiya glances at him in shock, like he’s seen a ghost.

“What?” Goro asks, annoyed.

“Nothing. You gave me a compliment.” Amamiya smiles like an idiot, the strange look in his eyes not fading.

“You’re really desperate if you think ‘not bad’ is a compliment,” Goro points out. 

“Maybe you’re right.”

Goro internally rolls his eyes. As if Amamiya needs any more praise when all his friends practically fall over themselves for his attention.

“What brought the question about my soulmate on?” Goro asks.

“Just curious,” Amamiya says with a shrug, playing with the ends of his crimson scarf. The color suits him.

“I’ve already met them,” Goro says.

“Oh?” Amamiya wonders, lining up for his next shot.

“Yeah. Unfortunately, we’re not good for each other.”

Goro had begun feeling soft waves of warmth radiating from his mark again almost a year after The Incident. Whatever that bastard Doctor had done to his other half wasn’t permanent. Goro had been torn between relief and despair. He couldn’t go back to Kitten anymore. That life was gone. So he’d crushed their slow healing bond immediately, like suffocating a firefly between his palms. He’d closed off his feelings and thoughts from Kitten so nothing could cross over either way. It was agonizing, ripping their soul in half like that, but it was necessary. He had to protect his soulmate. 

Goro couldn’t get it out of his head. The image of Kitten’s mark that had hemorrhaged into his mind before the world was ripped from under his feet. The scars chaining his other half to him for life. He’d do anything to get rid of it for Kitten. To break their cursed bond.

He settles for staying away. His soulmate will be happier with someone else. Someone who isn’t destined to drive him to death. 

Amamiya’s eyebrows lift. “Really? That’s strange. I thought soulmates were supposed to be made for you, right?”

“That’s a child’s way of thinking about it,” Goro insults. 

Amamiya snorts like he thinks Goro’s prickliness is amusing. Goro wants to punch him.

“What about you?” he asks instead. “Do you have your soulmark yet?”

“Yeah. I do,” Amamiya says. He doesn’t look eager to say any more, so of course Goro immediately wants to ask him questions. Not that he actually cares.

He bets Amamiya’s soulmark is beautifully unremarkable. He bets Amamiya’s going to meet them in his early 20s, maybe in college. He bets they’re going to be disgustingly perfect together. Except none of that is going to happen because Amamiya is going to be dead in two months. 

“Have you met them yet?” Goro wonders. Maybe it’s a girl back in his hometown.

“Not yet,” Amamiya says. “But I’m looking for them.”

Goro scoffs. How uncreative. 

“Everyone’s looking for their soulmate,” he says derisively. 

His general mood is one big bruise. It’s times like these he misses his soulmate more than usual. Kitten used to be able to cheer Goro up instantly, with just one phantom touch. He used to be with Goro all the time too, making silly comments about everything, demanding Goro pet street cats or well-wish strangers who looked unhappy. Kitten was startlingly observant. Goro’s match in every way.

When Goro first lost him, it’d felt like a gunshot wound. A gaping maw in his chest. He’d forgotten what it was like to be completely alone in the world—how cruel silence can be.

Sometimes, Goro thinks his soulmate was the only one keeping him sane. Considering what he did as soon as Kitten was gone—taking on the mantle of his father’s personal hitman—maybe he was. 

Amamiya hands him the cue, their gloved hands almost touching.

“If you want to meet them so bad, why do you wear gloves?” Goro asks. Gloves were worn by people who wanted to wait before meeting their soulmate or who didn’t want to meet their soulmate at all. Amamiya wears red ones.

“I’m waiting for them to reach out to me first.” 

The idea is moronic.

“I thought you said you haven’t met them?” 

“I haven’t,” Amamiya confirms. 

He doesn’t say anything more.

Whenever he gets silent, Goro remembers that he actually does like Amamiya a little. Not enough to sacrifice his plans, but enough. 

He thinks about kissing Amamiya sometimes. Bruising his surprisingly slender waist and crushing their mouths together hard. Biting Amamiya’s chapped lips until they bleed. 

He’s never going to see his soulmate again, and Goro has never thought about Kitten in a way that wasn’t wholly innocent. His love for him is Agape. Sweet and unconditional.

It’s only natural to want some comfort before death. Amamiya bears none of the weighty complications that come with a soulmate. It would be easy. A pleasant distraction. Both of them taking what they want; no more, no less. Goro could seduce him pretty easily if he wanted to. It’s not like he’d ever actually love him.

But he can’t bring himself to do it. 

It feels too much like a betrayal. His love is reserved only for his soulmate. The boy he grew up with. His special one.

His other half’s inflamed, contused mark flashes into Goro’s mind again and then it’s his mother’s wrist and he loses focus. 

“I guess it’s my win,” Amamiya says. 

Goro blinks, glancing at the pool table. He thoughtlessly landed the 8 ball in the pocket. A beginner’s mistake.

Goro gets the urge to hurt Amamiya again. He smiles instead.

“Ha ha. It seems you’ve taken this round.”

*

*

*

One month later, he blackmails the Phantom Thieves into letting him join their ranks. 

He and Amamiya spend more time with each other the closer they come to the end. They go to the jazz club together or play darts and billiards. They have a strange partnership that Goro can’t hate no matter how much he wants to. He wishes he wasn’t fond of Ren Amamiya, but he is.

They enter Sae Niijima’s palace, the casino.

It comes time for them to decide on a codename for him.

“Maybe Prince?” Takamaki suggests.

“How about Plague Doctor,” Sakamoto says snidely.

“I’d prefer to be called Crow,” Goro says. It’s nostalgic of him, but whatever. It’s one of the days where the separation is almost unbearable. He misses his other half so fucking much.

Joker goes pale. He doesn’t protest.

As they go through the palace, it’s obvious him and Amamiya are on a completely different level than everyone else. Ren partners with him at first because he’s the new member, then because together they’re a flawless machine of death. They operate like they’re one. It’s a heady feeling.

He hasn’t felt this complete since he lost his best friend.

When they reach the arena, Joker offers to go in as he has the most versatility. 

Goro’s recently developed a similar ability to summon shadows though he’s not very good at it. He’s not going to let the Phantom Thieves know though. It’s a secret ace up his sleeve. 

He goes to the booth in front to bet on Joker’s victory. He has faith Ren won’t let him down. 

And, if he knows Sae like he does, she’s going to try to pull a fast one on them. She’s not a straightforward person by any means.

The last round, Thor emerges. It’s wearing golden armour that scintillates under the stadium lights. They’re cheating, as expected. Loki starts screaming and cursing in his mind, but Goro tunes it out. Thor’s a difficult foe. 

Can Amamiya handle it?

Maybe not.

Ren’s on his last limb. He’s taken a beating. And Goro is not worried! No. Not at all. His only concern is that his bet money might go down the drain and then he’d incur the mistrust of the Phantom Thieves. 

Ren rolls on the floor, barely dodging an attack. The Phantom Thieves are screaming their lungs off, worried to death that they’re precious leader is going to get hurt.

Something sparks in Amamiya’s hand like he’s breaking a chain.

 _No_. It’s impossible.

Amamiya drives the shadow berserk. The Thor flings itself against the stadium walls over and over again until it evaporates to dust. The whole arena falls silent. 

How? How did he catch up to Goro in this regard as well? How was this fair? 

How does Amamiya get to have everything?! 

Special abilities in the Metaverse. Friends, teammates, an entire fucking support system of adults who care about him. A family. A soulmate that he can treasure without the fear of the repercussions it would have on them.

Meanwhile, Goro can’t even have the one person he loves on this Earth. 

Goro hates Amamiya. Loathes him to death. 

He wants to tear him to pieces.

Joker catches his eye as he exits the arena and smiles warmly, long lashes fluttering as he slow blinks, cat-like. Goro doesn’t smile back.

He’s going to kill Ren without any regrets.

*

*

*

It’s sentimentality. What drives him to invite Amamiya to the jazz club the night before his death. Both of them like the music, which is a fortunate coincidence. What he hates the most is how comfortable Amamiya makes him feel when they’re together. He has no right to treat Goro like they’re old friends, but he does so anyway.

Goro’s probably going to miss him afterwards.

They’re good companions for one another. Competing with him and spending time with him isn’t boring. If it was a different world, he might not mind actually joining the Phantom Thieves on their quest for justice. 

In this one, the only justice that matters is taking Shido down.

Last regrets is a topic they should probably steer clear of tonight, but it comes up anyway.

“If you died, I suppose you’d regret not meeting your soulmate?” Goro suggests, twisting his straw around the strawberry mocktail trying to pin the maraschino cherry down.

“No. I… I think I met them actually,” Amamiya says.

Goro raises an eyebrow. How sad. Tomorrow Amamiya’s young love story will be cut short.

“Really?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Amamiya says, smiling at Goro. “I found them.”

“Well, what did you think? Are they everything you thought they’d be?” he asks mockingly, not meeting Amamiya’s eyes. 

“Yes,” Amamiya says. “I mean… they’re different than I expected. I think that’s why I had trouble finding them at first. They’re secretive and kind of fake sometimes. I also feel like they don’t reveal themselves to very many people. They've been hurt before, so I understand. But the more I talk to them, the more I realize they’re exactly who I’ve always thought they are. They’re so brilliant. Probably the smartest person I’ve ever met. They make me want to be better. They’re just… perfect.”

Goro wants to stab his thigh with his fork. Of fucking course they are.

“They’re also really beautiful. Their smile is stunning and their eyes are so striking. They change color in the light and—”

“Okay. I get it.” Goro cuts him off, rolling his eyes. He can’t tolerate this. The most Amamiya’s ever spoken in their whole rivalry is to gush about his stupid soulmate. 

“Sorry. I kind of rambled on, didn’t I?” Amamiya says sheepishly.

“You did. But I’m glad you got the chance to meet them,” _before you die_ , Goro adds in his head.

“Me too, Crow,” Amamiya says.

Amamiya doesn’t call him by his code name very often, except in the Metaverse when he has to. Goro is glad he doesn’t. They way he says it reminds Goro a little too much of his other half.

“I missed them so much,” Ren says.

“You said you’ve never met them before?” Goro asks, suspiciously.

“Even so, I still missed them.”

Goro wants to slap the stupid sentimentality right out of Amamiya. It’s so embarrassing. Does he have any dignity? He’s supposed to be Goro's stoic rival, above such failures in comportment. So much for that.

There’s a kind of terrible suspicion building in Goro’s gut. He can’t even articulate it, that’s how terrible it is. 

He has to be wrong. It would be too ridiculous. Fate would be laughing its silly little head off if it were true.

It can’t be true.

*

*

*

Amamiya looks half dead, half alive. Like a cat in a box. There are needlesticks on the ground and water spilled on a puddle on the floor. Every inch of his pale skin is covered with injuries. His eyes are foggy with drugs. Empty.

Goro pulls out his gun.

He’s thought about what he would say, but before, he needs to rest easy.

“Excuse the infringement. I need to check something. My apologies.”

Amamiya doesn’t say anything, which is peculiar in and of itself. In this state, he’s no better than a doll. It makes Goro’s skin crawl with disgust, hatred for his father renewing. He isn’t supposed to look like this. He’s Goro’s rival.

Goro yanks the collar of Amamiya’s turtleneck down. His neck is covered with handprint shaped bruises.

No mark.

Goro exhales in relief. 

Amamiya is not his soulmate. It’s just as he thought. It was only a ridiculous delusion.

He doesn’t need to doubt anymore. 

It’s impossible anyways. For both of them.

“This is how your justice ends,” Goro informs him. 

_See you soon_ is what he means.

He takes the shot. 

As it is, he almost blacks out from the nausea. He stumbles out of the interrogation room, feeling like he’s lost something vital. Like he’s thrown something away that he can’t get back. Ren—Amamiya—is dead. Blood sacrifice to the demon of vengeance swallowing him whole. The last of his regrets is gone now. 

Amamiya was in so much misery, it probably came as a relief.

Goro will meet him on the other side, then they can settle their debts with each other. He’ll let Amamiya do as he pleases. Assuming there’s an afterlife. 

Amamiya’s soulmate’s mark should be fading just about now. Going gray with the loss of their intended. Goro pulls aside the collar of his shirt and the pink roses still twist up his collar bone.

His Kitten is fine. He’s safe, as he should be.

Goro’s wanted to protect him for as long as he can remember. 

His soulmate reached out to him first when they were both children, comforting him all the time. It was like being hugged by the sun. A warmth that spread from his chest to the rest of his limbs, soothing his pain. His other half’s praise and affection always felt the best too. He was generous with it, kissing Goro’s cheek and holding hands and listening to Goro like he trusted Goro the most.

Goro worries about his soulmate constantly, but it’s not like he can open up their connection again. Once they start talking, Goro knows it’ll be too hard to let him go. 

It’s best if he stays out of Kitten’s life. Give him a chance to survive. Goro won’t let what happened to his mother happen to his other half too.

He goes home and scrubs his skin raw in the shower. Hides his chessboard because the sight of it is making him sick. He and Amamiya played chess together too often for it to not be laden with memories. 

He lies down and places his hand on his soulmark. The familiar gesture itself causes comfort. Sometimes, Goro can almost feel his soulmate. Like he’s touching his mark and thinking of Goro too. This is one of those times. 

_I love you_ , Goro thinks, reminded of when his soulmate used to tell him the same every single day. 

Goro wishes he’d said it back more often. 

Now, it’s far too late. 

Light bends like a sunshower, his soulmate reaching for him desperately, pleadingly. Goro’s eyes burn as he cuts the connection off, strangling their soul back into a chokehold.

_I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry_

*

*

*

Amamiya is alive. 

Goro can’t understand why the thought makes him more giddy than furious. 

He’s going to have to kill him again, but Amamiya really is the worthiest of rivals. If Goro hadn’t already met the love of his life, he’d probably wish he had a soulmate just a little like Ren Amamiya. Someone who keeps him on his toes. Sharp.

They meet in the engine room. 

Ren spins around first like he has a sixth sense. The rest of the thieves follow.

Their whole confrontation, Ren’s ash eyes burn like he has something to say. He never says it though.

Goro screams at all of the ragtag Phantom Thieves. He lets his rage and honesty run loose. The truth falls like glass from his lips, shattering. Shido. His crimes. His vengeance.

Somewhere in the middle of his monologue, Goro pauses even as his mouth keeps moving.

He feels like he’s standing outside of himself.

He’s tired. 

He’s tired of existing. 

He’s tired of the separation, the unending deaths, his father’s cruelty. He’s tired of being alone, of hurting his loved ones. 

It would be better if he just disappeared.

He wants Amamiya to kill him.

Maybe, if it’s his rival, he can entrust his revenge to him. 

He thinks about the ugly mark on his soulmate’s skin fading to gray and for the first time, he feels peace. They’ll be able to move on from him finally. If his mark is any indication, Kitten never stopped loving Goro.

But the Phantom Thieves are not content to let him go. 

He’s defeated after a brutal battle.

They want him to join them for real.

Sure as hell they’re insane. But Goro doesn’t hate it.

He’s on the verge of giving into them when Shido's cognitive version of him steps in and steals the show.

It’s fitting. His death will come at the hands of his doppelganger. A Gothic twist to end his pathetic life. His crimes finally catching up and exacting their proper dues. His mirror self stepping out to kill its reflection.

He can do this much for the buffoonish Phantom Thieves. 

For Ren.

It’s easy.

The bulkhead doors close and then he’s alone on the other side. He places his hand on his chest, right over his soulmark. Shido’s never seen it. It’s the only thing in the world that’s truly his.

When Joker pleads with him to remember their promise, Goro thinks it’s a little ridiculous how sentimental he’s getting over a glove. But, honestly, it makes Goro happy.

He loves Ren Amamiya, not like he loves his soulmate, but how he loves a storm.

It’s over.

Goro closes his eyes and the shots go off like a rain of fire.

That’s the second time he dies.

*

*

*

But he’s not dead yet.

Instead, he’s been brought back to life by some sociopathic guidance counsellor to fulfill Ren Amamiya’s pathetic wish. Out of all the things he could have had in the world, why the hell did he choose to resurrect his enemy?

That’s why he tries not to indulge his rival too much. He can’t let Ren waver in his final decision. It’s ridiculous that Ren can even feel positive emotions for him after Goro’s tried to kill him twice.

Goro’s most surprised that his soulmark is the same. In an ideal world, his other half should have a different partner, one far more worthy of _him._

Another flaw in Takuto Maruki’s stupid fake utopia. 

Goro knows he’s dead. Maybe that’s why none of this is convincing.

Ren’s all over him, wanting to spend time playing darts and billiards and chess together or reading or listening to music in the jazz club. Goro sometimes asks him about his soulmate (he secretly suspects it’s one of the Phantom Thieves; Niijima’s little sister maybe) and it’s not like Ren is neglecting them for Goro, which is good. 

In the end, Ren is probably the only other person Goro gives two figs about other than his soulmate. Which is why he makes sure to be near Leblanc on February 2nd. He will make this as easy for Ren as he can. There’s no need to deliberate. The way forward is clear. Knowing Maruki’s type, he’ll most likely threaten Ren with Goro’s impending death.

Maruki enters the café, just as Goro planned. 

He listens from the outside, standing in the bitter winter cold. The voices inside are a low murmur, barely intelligible. 

Then Maruki calls Goro in.

“This issue doesn’t only affect you, Amamiya-kun… Akechi-kun, this involves you, too.”

“Both Akechi and me?” Ren asks, poker-faced. Goro wonders if he suspects the truth.

“The relationship you two share is very unusual. A detective and a phantom thief. Despite being enemies, your relationship isn’t based on hatred or ill will. That’s why I found it so tragic when I learned what happened in Shido’s palace. Say, Amamiya-kun, don’t you regret how things ended with him?”

Ren makes a half-distracted gesture, holding his neck. It’s covered in his usual scarf. 

“You two came to a deep understanding of one another, but you had no choice but to leave Akechi-kun to his fate. That’s why I created a reality where you two could have another start… I genuinely didn’t want to tell you like this. I didn’t want to make it seem like I’m holding him hostage. But no matter what you may think of me, I just want you to accept this reality and move on with your happy lives.”

“And that matters how exactly?” Goro asks, interrupting the doctor’s pretty little rant. “Don’t tell me you think dangling my life before us is going to have any impact on our decision.”

“So, you knew,” Ren says. His voice is thick, like he’s upset. Goro internally rolls his eyes.

“Well, I lacked conclusive evidence, but after I fought against you all, I had a gap in my memory that ended with meeting up with you again.”

“I had a feeling the truth of the matter still wouldn’t dissuade you, Akechi-kun… But how about you, Amamiya-kun? You were the guiding light to my research. You showed me the way so I could make my dream into reality. I have nothing but gratitude for you. That’s why I wanted you of all people to understand.”

Ren stays quiet. Maruki smiles. 

He accepts the calling card wordlessly.

“Perhaps I shouldn’t put you on the spot like that. I’ll be waiting for you in the palace tomorrow. If you don’t show, I’ll take that to mean you’ve accepted my reality.”

The shop door jingles behind Maruki, the sound of bells.

And then Goro and Ren are alone.

Goro asks Morgana to leave. He needs to convince Ren to not be stupid for once in his life. Whether or not he accepts this reality, he has a friend circle and a soulmate he loves. The fact that he’s still contemplating this at all is ridiculous.

“... I will carve my own path for myself. I refuse to accept a reality concocted by someone else, stuck under their control for the rest of my days.”

Ren doesn’t say anything. It’s making Goro irritated.

“All you have to do is stick to your guns and challenge Maruki. Or are you really so spineless that you’d fold over some bullshit, trivial threat on my life?”

“Don’t oversimplify this,” Ren says, his voice trembling.

“It IS simple! You have no right to be upset about this. Would you be able to tell your precious soulmate with a straight face that you threw away reality for the life of your enemy?”

“You’re not my enemy.”

“Your rival, then. Really, Ren. Use your brain. I want to hear you say it out loud… what do you intend to do?”

Goro holds his breath.

“We’re stopping Maruki.” Ren’s voice is not as firm as Goro wants, but whatever. 

He exhales. At least Ren admitted it. He’s not the kind of person to go back on his word.

“All right. I’m relieved to hear it. I will never accept this form of reality. I’m done being manipulated. Let’s go back home.”

Goro feels something burst in his chest, shifting and clicking like a gear.

 _Hereward_! 

His new Persona dissolves in a warm rush against his chest. Goro touches his mark again. It’s tingling.

“We have to win this—no matter what.”

Ren nods.

Goro’s in a good mood so he asks Ren for a cup of coffee. 

Ren stands on the other side of the counter wearing his green apron, looking miserable. In the end, he’s probably the kindest person Goro’s ever met. Goro can’t regret spending his last few hours with him.

“Are you going to tell your soulmate?” Ren wonders. “That you’re going to…?”

He cuts off like he can’t say it. How fucking sentimental.

Goro scoffs. “No.”

“You don’t think they deserve to know?”

“They deserve to have me out of their life.”

Ren stills.

“What do you mean?” he asks.

“I don’t feel like going into it,” Goro dismisses. Ren always has his problem solving hat on. He can’t fix it this time. 

Ren opens and closes his mouth like he doesn’t know what to say.

“Besides, talking to them now would only serve to distract me.”

Ren flinches, like even the thought of leaving his soulmate without saying goodbye is painful.

“I understand,” he says, even though he probably doesn’t.

He slides the cup of coffee along the bar. 

“Do you want to play chess?” 

He sounds uncertain, like he doesn’t think Goro will say yes.

Goro nods.

Maybe it’s because they both know he’s going to die tomorrow, but it feels like he and Ren finally let their guards down. They play an honest match, falling into a gratifying back and forth. A feeling starts welling up in the pit of Goro’s stomach. Almost like nostalgia. The way Ren plays has always reminded him of…

At the end, when Ren checkmates him, they sit in a stunned kind of silence, like they’d turned the last page of the book before either of them had expected it. 

“Well,” Goro says.

Ren doesn’t reply. He doesn’t make eye contact either.

Goro reaches for his coat, standing up. After a moment, Ren follows him.

They linger by the entranceway.

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” Goro says awkwardly, fumbling with the door handle.

Before he can blink, there are warm arms reaching for him, pulling him back into a sudden hug.

Goro stiffens, mind reeling and reeling and 

It feels like

Like touching the heat of the sun. 

Like cupping an exploding star with bare hands.

Goro feels raw.

Ren trembles as if he’s about to fall over and Goro’s arms slip back around him automatically, like instinct. Before Goro’s brain even catches up the words are blurted out.

“It’s okay, Kitten.” 

He winces at his mistake, but Ren doesn’t even seem to notice. 

Instead

Instead… 

Instead he _replies_.

“It’s not okay, Birdie,” Ren mutters, the nickname falling easily from his lips. His voice is muffled against Goro’s chest. He’s crying. “I’m sorry.”

Goro freezes. 

The world comes to a complete standstill. 

Every cell in Goro’s heart bursts spontaneously.

No. 

It’s too cruel. 

It can’t be true.

“What did you say?” Goro demands, pushing back to look at Ren’s face. He’s a pretty crier, even if his skin turns bright red.

“What?” Ren asks, dazed.

“Just now. What did you call me?”

Ren stiffens in shock avoiding Goro’s eyes again. 

“I called you Crow. You know, your codename in the Metaverse?” 

“No. You called me something else. What did you call me?” 

Ren steps towards the door, eyes wide and wild like he’s about to be run over by a train. 

Goro tries to reach for him, but the only part he can grab a hold of in time is Ren’s scarf. It barely comes undone, but enough for Goro to see the thick dark press of a petal on the skin of his neck. 

“Kitten?”

Ren shakes his head.

Goro moves closer to get a glimpse of Ren’s mark. 

Before he can take another step, Ren sprints out of Leblanc, the door slamming open.

“Wait!” Goro calls desperately, chasing after him. 

They run 

and run 

and run. 

Neither of them are short on stamina.

They finally come to a stop at a park, when Ren trips over uneven pavement, barely catching himself in time. 

“Don’t!” Ren says, hands covering his face. “Just go! We’ll do what you want. We’ll steal Maruki’s heart. We’ll end this reality. Just don’t come near me.”

Goro shakes his head. It’s too late for that.

He backs Ren up against a tree, ripping his gloves off with his teeth. He reaches for Ren’s face and rubs his thumb across one of Ren’s cheekbones. Inky roses blossom where they touch.

“It’s you,” Goro says dumbfounded. “My kitten. It was you all along.”

Ren screams and shoves him away before crumpling to the ground, crying. 

Goro’s mind fractures. He runs through every moment ever since he first met Ren. Tries to put the pieces of an incomprehensible puzzle together.

The boy who comforted him after his mother’s death. His playmate and childhood best friend. The person Goro loves above anyone else.

And Goro’s treasured rival. His fellow wildcard. The leader of the Phantom Thieves.

He’s stayed away from his Kitten—from Ren—for so long, afraid of hurting him. Now, by avoiding him he’s exacted that very fate on him. He’s torn Ren’s heart to pieces.

Fuck.

Goro’s eyes burn. When he dies he’s going to stab Destiny in the gut several times.

It was so fucking obvious. The comfort he got from being with Ren. The familiarity. Ren’s scarves and turtlenecks. The way he played chess. Even his speech patterns the rare times he spoke at length.

The only explanation is that Goro didn’t want to see it. The person he hurt a thousand times over. The person he betrayed. The person he killed.

His soulmate. The one he adores. 

Ren is still sobbing on the frozen ground. It’s scary how silent he is. 

Kitten Kitten Kitten

His soulmate. His soulmate is right here. Goro reaches for him helplessly.

“I’m sorry,” Ren says, voice almost frantic. “I wasn’t going to tell you, I promise. I didn’t mean for it to come out now like this. I—”

“I’m glad it did,” Goro interrupts. “I wouldn’t want to go tomorrow, not knowing.”

At the reminder of his fate, Ren cries harder trying to turn away from Goro. 

Goro doesn’t let him. Even crying, his soulmate is beautiful. Goro wants to spend every moment of his last day just looking at him. His other half. His rival. His best friend. 

Goro thought he’d lost him forever. 

He’d mourned him.

“I’m so sorry, Kitten. This is all my fault.”

“It’s not,” Ren says firmly. “It’s mine.”

Goro snorts. 

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. How exactly is any of this your fault?”

“I should have told you what my mark looked like when we were kids. I kept it from you for years because I thought if you knew what it’d look like, you’d hate me.”

“W-what?” Goro questions, bewildered.

“My mother thought I was a monster. She always found my mark horrifying. I thought you’d react the same way.”

“Your mother is cruel trash,” Goro snarls, his old anger awakening instantly. “There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s because of me, darling. My mama’s mark looked like yours. It was that color right before she died… I’m cursed. That’s why I had to stay away.”

“You’re not,” Ren hisses. “You’re not cursed. Don’t talk about yourself like that to me. To me, you’ve always been…” Ren cuts off, looking down.

“What?” Goro asks curiously. “What have I always been?”

Ren buries his face into Goro’s shoulder so Goro can’t see his expression. 

“You’ve… You’ve always been my hero. I’ve looked up to you ever since I was little. I always wanted to be good enough for you,” Ren admits. 

“You were always _too_ good for me,” Goro corrects, face heating. “You never had to worry about that. I… I’ve hurt you.”

He’s made so many assumptions about Ren too. Made-believe that Ren had it so much better than him because he was determined to loathe him. To beat him. They’d been set against each other by a fucking God of Control.

Ren shakes his head again, cheeks wet. 

“It’s okay.” 

The roses Goro left on his skin are slowly fading. Goro suddenly finds himself desperate to touch Ren again. To see the proof of their bond on Ren’s skin. 

Ren tugs on his bangs nervously.

“Can I?” he asks.

Goro doesn’t know what he’s agreeing to but he nods.

Ren presses a kiss to his cheek. Goro’s breath catches in his throat. Ren stares at him with sparks in his eyes like lightning in a storm cloud. Affection surges up from his mark. 

“You’re real,” he says, breathless.

“That’s my line,” Goro says, overwhelmed. He cups his cheek self-consciously. “What is it?” he asks.

“A pink carnation,” Ren says.

“You work at a flower shop, right? What does it mean?”

“It means, I’ll never forget you.”

“You’re just making that up,” Goro says, flushing.

“I’m not. Look it up.”

Goro probably won’t. He trusts Ren.

“How are you here in Tokyo?” he asks. “I never thought I’d find you here.”

Ren laughs bitter.

“It’s a long story.”

“I want to hear it,” 

“Can we go back to Leblanc first? I’ll make us more coffee.”

Goro nods. He drops his arms from Ren and stands up, legs half asleep. He holds a hand out for Ren who grabs on to it and pulls himself up. 

Ren winces, stretching out his foot.

“What’s wrong?” Goro asks.

“I twisted it a bit when I tripped,” Ren admits. 

Goro slips his hand around Ren’s waist. 

“I’ll help you.”

Ren blushes.

“Um, I’m not sure that’s helping,” he says.

“Oh,” Goro says. “Do you, um, want me to pick you up?” he suggests, awkwardly. He’s not quite sure how to act around Kitten—Ren anymore. When he was a child he’d come up with elaborate fantasies about their first meeting; devise all the ways he could sweep Kitten off his feet. Of course it has to happen like this. On the day before he dies. 

Nothing ever goes how he wants it to.

Ren covers his face. 

“I’ll be ok,” he says.

“If you’re sure.”

After five minutes with Ren limping along, Goro gets exasperated.

He stands in front of Ren, half crouching.

“Get on.”

“What?” Ren sounds completely flummoxed.

“We’ll heal it in the Metaverse tomorrow. For now, let’s just get back to Leblanc fast. The heating will help with the pain.”

Hesitantly, Ren gets on his back, wrapping his arms around Goro’s neck. Goro stands up, readjusting so he has a firm hold on Ren. Ren’s not heavy at all. Goro wonders if he’s eating enough. He was always picky about food when he was a kid. 

He starts walking back the way they came. Ren presses his cheek against Goro’s back, and Goro tries to ignore the way his heart skips a beat.

“Can you reopen our bond?” Ren asks. 

Goro frowns at the influx of bad memories. He can still hear Ren screaming in the Doctor’s office, calling for him. Their last communication for years. He tightens his grip on Ren wishing he could hold him closer.

“Are you sure? Tomorrow will be much harder on you.”

“I don’t care,” Ren says. “I just want to feel you again.”

Goro knows Ren means it innocently. That doesn’t stop his blush. He’s going to have to be much better at controlling his thoughts this time around. If Ren got an inkling of his… attraction, it would be beyond mortifying.

“I’ll do it right now.”

The wall parting them vanishes. 

Their souls rush towards each other like old friends separated for years, spinning round and round in a way that makes both of them dizzy. 

Goro stops walking for a minute, trying to get his bearings. Ren clings to him tight.

His body is singing, a euphoric rush of joy dancing through his bones. Goro almost laughs out loud. It’s overwhelming. 

_We should have waited until we got back to Leblanc_ , he thinks.

 _I’m sorry, Birdie. It was my idea_ , Ren thinks back.

Goro smiles so wide his mouth hurts.

 _Kitten_.

 _Crow_. 

Whole again. His heart is back in his chest. His Kitten.

_I missed you I missed you I missed you_

They’re both thinking it. 

“How long did you know we were Soulmates?” Goro asks out loud.

“Not until the beginning of November.”

“You tried to tell me,” Goro remembers. Then he also remembers Ren gushing about him. Embarrassment colors his cheeks. “Everything you said… were you just—”

“No. I love the person you are today too.”

Goro freezes. “You don’t.”

“I do.”

“How can you still…?”

“I just do.”

Goro can’t help searching Ren’s mind for the thread to unravel the ruse but there’s nothing. Ren’s being completely honest with him.

“I… I killed you.”

“If you didn’t do it, Shido would have made someone else do it and killed you too.”

“Does that matter? I hurt you!”

“It wasn’t me. It was a cognitive double.”

That explains the absence of Ren’s soul mark and the general off-ness of the whole situation.

“But still. You got caught because of me and the guards… they beat you. They stuck you with needles,” Goro realizes suddenly.

Ren flinches sharply against him, childhood trauma still intact. Goro soothes him automatically. 

He wants to kill them. The guards who touched Ren. He wants to find them and make them bleed and cry and repent until they die. Rip their limbs off one tendon at a time. They don’t deserve any mercy.

 _They’re part of the remnants of the conspiracy. Sae will take care of them_ , Ren points out.

Goro stiffens. He forgot Ren’s back with him now. 

He senses no discomfort with the violence of his morbid thoughts. Instead a kind of tingling warmth. Ren is… touched?

 _I forgot how protective you were_ , Ren explains. _You always made me feel safe_.

 _You did too. I always felt like I could tell you anything_.

They make it back to Leblanc and Goro doesn’t want to let Ren go. Reluctantly, he deposits him in one of the bar chairs. 

_You’re so pretty_.

Both of them think it at the same time. Their faces heat.

“Let me make coffee,” Ren says. He flexes his toes, stretching them again. 

“I… I can do it, Kitten,” Goro offers. He’s never made coffee before and he expects to fail miserably. But once he starts, it’s like he already knows what to do. Within minutes the coffee is percolating and Goro is staring at his hands in surprise.

 _We share talents, remember?_ Ren teases.

That’s right. 

Goro remembers his earlier surprise at how evenly matched they were at everything. It all makes sense now. 

“The first time I saw a gun, I could disassemble and reassemble it already. I was so surprised,” Ren says. “You’ve helped me so much, Birdie.”

“The first time I had to fight a shadow, it felt just like dancing,” Goro confesses. “I only won in the first place because of you, Kitty Cat.”

Goro hands him the coffee and their hands brush. Ren’s taken off his own pair of gloves. Flowers bloom outwards from the place they make contact, daisies and honeysuckle. 

Goro wants to kiss his wrist.

 _You can_ , Ren thinks.

Goro reaches for Ren’s other hand, interlacing their fingers and pressing a kiss to the divot on the side of Ren’s wrist. A beautiful black peony fans its petals across Ren’s hand.

Ren is stunned into silence.

 _You told me I could_ , Goro teases. _What, nothing to say?_

Ren smiles, tugging Goro into his arms. He gives him another hug, and Goro feels how Ren shakes, like he never wants to let go. 

Eventually, he has to.

“You’ve told me a little bit before in Jazz Jin, but now I’d like to hear the full story.” Goro says, settling on the bar stool right next to Ren, turning it around so they could face each other. He drags it close so he and Ren are still touching, their knees pressing together.

“Usually you’re the one telling me stories,” Ren says fondly.

“Well this one is yours,” Goro points out.

“You have to tell me yours then. A story for a story.”

“It’s not a pleasant one.”

“I still want to listen.”

Goro rolls his eyes, and Ren pinches him.

“Fine,” he concedes. It’s suddenly intolerable that anyone else in the world knows Ren better than him. “Start right from the Doctor’s office. I want to know everything.”

Ren starts reciting the events of the aftermath. He couldn’t speak for a whole year after the day they lost each other. He didn’t have any friends in his hometown and his parents became more busy with their work, so they started travelling for months at a time. He was alone for the most part. 

He studied hard to go to Tokyo for high school, but his parents didn’t want him to move to the city. He still couldn’t speak, so arguing with them or completing the interviews he needed was impossible. While he got into a good high school at home, he despaired because he thought he wouldn’t be able to meet Crow. The medication the Doctor had given him began wearing off at this point, but Ren couldn’t reach him anyway. 

Goro winces, guilty.

Then, during his first year of high school, on his way back from dance practice, he saw a drunk man harassing a woman. It was Shido, which Ren didn’t know until much later. It was his first experience with police brutality. His first interrogation. They didn’t go easy on him.

Goro cusses Shido out violently in his head. He wants to damn him all over again. Rip his lungs out so he can’t breathe. Squeeze his heart until it bursts.

Ren reaches for his hand comfortingly, making a garden where they touch. 

_I’m okay now_ , he promises.

He got a year of probation. He tells Goro about his first impressions of Tokyo, about Sojiro and Kamoshida and meeting each of the Phantom Thieves. It's a hard story to listen to, knowing he wasn’t there for Ren for most of it.

When Ren is finished, Goro starts his own tragic tale. His emancipation at 15. Falling into the Metaverse, awakening Robin Hood, and meeting Wakaba Isshiki. Becoming a research subject and having Loki ripped out of him. Finding out his father was Masayoshi Shido. His desperate bid to get his revenge by offering his help. And everything that followed afterwards.

 _I should have been with you_ , Ren says, regretfully.

 _You wanted to be_ , Goro thinks. _It’s not your fault. It’s mine._

 _You said your mother’s mark looked like mine?_ Ren asks, reaching for his neck again.

Goro nods slowly. _A love that causes agony. I… I couldn’t let what happened to her happen to you. I had to protect you._

 _You could have talked to me though instead of just pushing me away_ , Ren points out. Goro can feel how upset he is like it’s his own pain. _I thought I lost you forever. That you hated me and wanted nothing to do with me anymore._

What Goro wants is to slam his face into the bar.

 _You would have been better off without me as your soulmate_ , he thinks.

Goro’s chest twinges with Ren’s hurt. Goro’s making him even more upset. Great.

 _How could you even think that?_ Ren asks. _You gave me everything. My happiness, my drive, my justice, love. Everything._

 _It was the same for me_ , Goro thinks. _You gave me everything too_.

_Then why? I thought you knew how much you meant to me. Losing you felt unimaginable, like…_

Ren trails off, and Goro feels sharp burning pain like a burning rod of steel shoved straight through the chest. It’s a familiar agony, brought back to the surface.

 _I’m sorry_ , Goro thinks miserably. _I acted like a fool. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I’ve messed everything up._

Ren sighs.

 _That’s not true. And it’s not a question of forgiveness_ , he thinks. _I just don’t want you to do it again. Don’t shut me out._

 _I won’t, I promise_.

Goro won’t get a chance to after tomorrow. 

The thought spills over before Goro can stop it and Ren flinches like he’s been shot. It seems he’d forgotten Goro’s fate once this reality ended. 

Ren rubs at his temples like his head is hurting. His sorrow feels like a blizzard.

 _I’m… I’m tired. Can we go up?_ he asks.

They go to the attic. Goro borrows a pair of Ren’s pajamas and then they squeeze into his milk crate bed, curled together like a parenthetical aside. Goro breathes. Ren smells like coffee and sandalwood. It’s ridiculously soothing.

They’re too tired to talk out loud so they just talk in their heads, faster than mouths can move. The more they speak, the more Ren and Kitten overlap, merging into one person. It’s like an optical illusion. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it again. Goro is astounded once more by his own blindness.

He feels complete for the first time in a long time. Ren does too. Their soul bond cat cradles between their hearts, bright and shining and whole.

 _I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember, Birdie,_ Ren confesses, half-asleep. 

The heat expands down to Goro’s collarbones.

 _M-me too_ , Goro admits, embarrassed by his own sentimentality. _I never stopped thinking about you. I was miserable without you. And I loved you even before I knew you were my Kitten, though admittedly as my rival._

Ren blushes right down to his toes, covering his face with his hands.

The circuit sparks between them again. Devotion. One unbreakable circle. Goro draws wreaths on Ren’s hip with his thumb as they talk, Ren’s shirt riding up. Aster blooms like a fairy circle.

At some point they start kissing, grasping at each other desperately. Ren buries his hands in Goro’s hair. 

Goro is glad he didn’t leave after confirming Ren’s answer. He’s glad he got to meet his Kitten again. That Ren is his other half. That they found each other again.

 _You’re mine_ , Goro thinks, remembering the promise they’d made as children.

 _I’m yours_ , Ren agrees. _And you’re mine._

Ren kisses him hungrily, clasping their hands together. His lips move down to graze Goro’s jaw teasing. Goro barely holds back a moan, pulling Ren’s mouth back towards his desperately.

Goro is reminded again of his urge to leave flowers on every inch of Ren’s skin.

He flips them over so Ren is below him, not pausing in their kiss. 

He nibbles on Ren’s lower lip and Ren makes a breathy gasp that sends heat shooting straight down Goro’s spine. Ren’s eyes are wide and dark like the space between stars, pupils dilating, and Goro feels a euphoric rush of pride. He can make Ren feel good too. Pleasure past all the pain he’s given him. 

They bump noses as Goro changes the angle of the kiss which makes both of them smile against each other’s mouths, lips still crushed together.

Goro can’t think. He’s overcome, and from the dizzying whirring in his mind, Ren is too. 

They’re floating and falling.

They just found each other and now they’re saying goodbye.

It’s agonizing. 

Goro reaches for the hem of Ren’s shirt.

“Can I?” he asks.

Ren nods eagerly, flushed pink, his soft curls in total disarray. He stares at Goro with so much silent, devastating love, Goro might fucking cry if he looks too long.

Goro unwinds the bright red scarf from Ren’s neck like spinning a thread of fate and lifts the shirt off Ren’s head. Ren’s mark is revealed.

It’s stunning in its own right, but Goro can’t completely hide his unease. Ren rubs his back comfortingly, trying to cover his neck with his other hand. He’s self-conscious about it. Goro reaches for Ren’s hand and pulls it away from his neck, firmly twining their fingers.

“Don’t hide from me,” he orders.

 _Bossy_ , Ren thinks, rolling his eyes. Goro smiles because it’s an old complaint. 

Just for that, Goro nips the side of Ren’s throat right above his mark. It startles a moan out of him. Goro mouths at the juncture between Ren’s jaw and his neck and latches on to soft skin, leaving a pretty bruise that blooms an iris. Ren twists at the sensation, biting back another sound, but Goro holds him tightly in place. He wants to worship Ren with his mouth.

He traces Ren’s mark with his lips, leaving messy open-mouthed kisses over every petal, every leaf, every stem. Then he blows, his breath instantly cooling the damp imprints of his lips on Ren’s skin. Ren shivers and gasps, clinging to him.

 _Goro_ , he complains, breathless.

 _Ren_ , Goro replies, smug.

It’s terrible, but seeing his mark on Ren is undeniably exciting. His love imprinted on Ren’s skin. _Mine_. Goro kisses the center of Ren’s throat, letting his lips linger. The rose that blooms there turns pitch black.

 _You’re beautiful_ , Goro thinks helplessly, resting his forehead against Ren’s.

Ren starts to cry. Goro thumbs at his tears. Kisses one away. A sweet pea.

“I want to see yours too,” Ren says, wiping his face, reaching to lift Goro’s shirt.

Goro complies. His mark is centered around his heart. Intricate mandalas of flowers pulsing out from the focal point.

Ren tosses them over so he’s on top again. He leaves a kiss on the center of Goro’s mark. Then another. Then another. He leaves a vine of bruises on Goro’s collarbone, between the roses. The friction of his lips is maddening. After lavishing Goro’s mark with attention, Ren returns to capture Goro’s mouth, his other hand sliding up Goro’s back. He leaves lilacs where he touches. Ren closes his eyes and tears splash onto Goro’s face.

 _Goro_ , Ren thinks. _Goro_.

 _Ren_.

It’s only when Goro blinks that he realizes he’s crying too. 

He yanks Ren down so their bodies are fully pressed together, one burning line of heat.

He tugs on Ren’s curls to get him closer, their mouths meeting again and again like crashing waves.

It’s intoxicating: Ren’s attention. Holding him like this. Touching him like this. Being with him again. Happiness and sorrow spinning like a cloud of silk between them.

 _I love you_.

They both think it at the same time.

_I love you I love you I love you I missed you so much_

Their minds bleed into each other, stitching up the wounds that never closed from when they were violently torn apart. Their souls have been married for so long, they braid together automatically, binding like they were never parted. Goro knows Ren again. Knows him inside and out, every thought, feeling, and impulse, from his curls to his toes. And Ren knows him back, just as intimately. Goro’s never felt so alive. So seen. His heart thrums in Ren’s chest and Ren’s heart in his. They can’t stop crying or clinging to each other; it’s so embarrassing. 

It feels like coming home.

*

They spend their last night together talking and holding each other. 

They were only parted for three years but it feels like a lifetime.

When dawn breaks, light dancing into Ren’s attic bedroom, they look at each other and know.

 _You should sleep for a little, Kitten. We’ll be fighting Maruki soon_ , Goro suggests, playing with Ren’s curls. They’re holding hands. It’s how they’ve fallen asleep for years.

 _I can sleep tomorrow_ , Ren protests stubbornly, curled up against Goro's chest. He’s listening to Goro’s heartbeat. Despite his words, he’s almost asleep already, his eyes closed, dark lashes like a curtain of night. Swollen, bitten lips.

There’s a whole bouquet written on his skin everywhere Goro touched, constellations of flowers. The Phantom Thieves are going to have the conniptions. Their precious leader, Goro’s soulmate. It will be amusing to witness later today. 

Goro is grateful to them for being there for Ren when Goro was too consumed with his revenge and grief. They’ll support Ren afterwards too, and it’s one of the only reasons Goro can even bear the thought of what’s going to happen when this reality ends.

At least for now, Ren is his to protect again. As it should be.

His Kitten drifts off to sleep, breaths evening. 

It reminds Goro of when they were both kids talking late into the night until they got too tired to even think anymore. Ren always fell asleep first. Goro used to tease him for being a baby. 

He always used to love it though, when Ren fell asleep. His soulmate’s sleeping presence used to flicker in Goro’s chest, like the slow brush of wings. That sensation used to be the only thing that could lull Goro to sleep for years. He feels it now again, just as powerful as before.

Goro kisses the crown of Ren’s head and pulls the blankets up to cover both of them.

He winds the arm not holding hands tight around Ren and Ren makes a happy sleepy hum in response 

Despite the warmth of his other half in his arms, a cold ball of fear is expanding in Goro’s chest.

He doesn’t want to die anymore. He never wants to leave Ren’s side again.

It was fucking unfair. Of course, right on the cusp of his death, he’d get his reason for living back.

They can’t back down now. Goro’s answer hasn’t changed. This reality is wrong.

But if he gets a second chance… If, against all odds, he wakes up in the true reality again, he wants to be better. He wants to try one more time. Maybe get some therapy or something—from a real therapist, not a quack like Maruki. There’s so much he still wants to do with Ren. He had a running list when they were kids. Silly things, like eating popsicles together, going to the movies, reading together, going on a bike ride, traveling, getting married.

Goro blushes hot at the last one, remembering when Ren first thought about them being husbands. Goro’s 10 year old mind had practically exploded.

He wants to be someone that won’t make Ren sad anymore. He wants to be someone he won’t wake up loathing every morning. Someone his mom would have been proud of. He wants… 

*

*

*

They arrive at Odaiba stadium together, not even trying to hide the change in their relationship. Ren’s wearing Goro's glove on his hand and Goro’s scarf around his neck, mostly for the cold rather than any need to hide his soul mark. His sprained ankle is tightly wrapped, but Goro’s hand is snug around Ren’s waist anyway. The Phantom Thieves stare at them agog. 

Goro rolls his eyes, secretly pleased.

He kissed roses all over Ren’s face this morning, and Ren kissed tulips on his. His curls are disheveled from Goro’s hands, and Goro’s tied his own mussed hair into a messy, loose ponytail. Not even the highest collar could hide the marks they’ve left on each other. It’s unmistakable what they are now. 

Neither him nor Ren elaborate. 

They go to battle Maruki, Ren pulling Goro into a chaste kiss outside the safe room before the fight starts. Goro wraps his arms around Ren and holds him until it’s time to go.

“So, um, you guys are soulmates?” Ann asks, panting from catching up with them as they head toward the garden. Ren and Goro always had a terrible habit of walking far ahead of the rest of the group.

Ren nods, smiling, shy and happy. Goro wants to kiss him again.

Ren flushes.

 _Crooow_ , he complains.

 _It’s true_.

Ren makes an embarrassed sound.

“I finally found him,” he tells Ann.

“That’s sweet,” she says, smiling excitedly. “I’m so happy for you guys.”

She doesn’t know Goro’s fate. No one does, except Ren.

_Should we tell them?_

_No need_ , Goro quickly replies. He’s not interested in the drama that would follow. The Phantom Thieves professing their token horror and dismay before giving in as there was no other option.

 _Some of them really do care about you_ , Ren corrects. _Ann, Yusuke, Sumi, Ryuuji though he pretends he doesn’t. Even Futaba_.

 _So what? I don’t care what they think of me_ , Goro thinks. _Honestly, I’m glad none of them are as ridiculous as you. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, much less the forgiveness of anyone else_. 

_That’s not for you to decide_ , Ren thinks back, stern. 

Goro doesn’t know what to say. They won’t get a chance to continue this conversation later, but soon none of this will matter anyway.

*

Maruki is a manipulative lying piece of shit.

He figures out pretty quickly Ren and Goro are soulmates. Goro shudders to see how he might have played with Ren’s feelings earlier if he was armed with this knowledge.

 _Don’t listen to him, Kitten_ , Goro orders. _Remember this is what I wanted us to do_.

Goro wants to slam Maruki’s face with his knife gauntlets.

Because Ren trusted him. He’s one of the few adults Ren genuinely believed in. And now he pulls this garbage. 

The battle goes smooth for the most part. 

It just seems Maruki can’t quit. Every time they nail him down, he switches to a different form like a slimy shape-shifting octopus. It culminates in a fist fight on top of Maruki’s collapsing palace.

Goro watches ill at ease. If Ren fucking falls from the shattering glass bridge he’s going to give Maruki a death of a thousand cuts. 

In the end, Ren saves Maruki from that fate.

 _Let him go. Let him fall_ , Goro thinks petulantly.

 _I can’t_ , Ren replies tired. So tired. 

Goro can’t make it better. 

The Phantom Thieves return for them and then Ren is clinging to him, sitting in his lap. There’s no space in the helicopter so Ren has to squeeze close. Goro’s not complaining.

Ren smiles at his stream of thoughts and kisses him on the cheek. Forget-me-nots. Goro gets the image in his mind. 

His last memory is Ren leaning forward with wet eyes, pressing their lips together desperately, his fingers looped in Goro’s long hair, having yanked out Goro’s hairband seconds earlier. The false reality vanishes and Goro dissolves to light particles with a warm glow in his chest. 

That’s the third time he dies. 

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

He wakes up in the hospital, hooked up to a dozen machines. 

He reaches immediately for his other half, as easy as breathing.

 _You’re alive. I knew it,_ Ren thinks breathlessly.

He’s crying again. Goro wishes he could wipe away his tears. He settles for a phantom hug, echoes of comfort spilling between their bond. 

They’re going to take their next step together. Both of them need time to heal. Time to figure themselves out past Gods and Shadows, corrupt powers and other worlds. But they don’t have to do it alone.

Weeks later, they reunite on a train, lotuses blooming where they kiss. 

It’s Goro’s first rebirth. 

  
  
  
  
  


* * *

**5 Years Later**

The liquid sunlight makes Ren glow ethereal. 

Embarrassingly enough, Goro sometimes wakes up early just so he can stare. 

Ren’s made a habit of sleeping on Goro’s chest like some kind of cat. He likes listening to Goro’s heartbeat. Their hands are still clasped together from falling asleep.

Goro kisses his forehead, leaving a golden sunflower blossoming on his skin. Ren’s brow furrows.

 _Mmm_ , he mumbles, still mostly asleep. 

Goro can’t resist kissing him again and again all over his face.

 _Birdie_. Ren’s first coherent thought. 

_Good morning, Kitten_.

 _Good mmm_ — Ren yawns. 

Goro rolls over, so Ren is under him. 

He laughs, his curls a dark halo on the pillow and his eyes sleepy and adoring.

Goro’s favorite part of every morning is kissing his husband’s marks pink. 

He rubs his thumb along Ren’s collarbone and presses a kiss to the center of his throat. 

The aching maroon of Ren’s mark lightens instantly. Goro kisses the anemones blue for protection and the roses pink and the asphodels purple. The ivy curls gold down Ren’s collarbones and Goro kisses bright red tulips in its wake. 

His husband always looks best in red.

Ren reaches for his face and presses their lips together. They laugh into each other’s mouths.

 _Good morning, Birdie_.

Goro can’t hold back his smile, pressing their foreheads close.

They’ll leave bed in a few hours maybe. Read their new mission over coffee. Their next assignment is more dangerous than usual: human trafficking and gun smuggling. 

But he and Ren can protect each other better than anyone else can. They’re untouchable together, as vicious and bloodthirsty as they were in the Metaverse once as Joker and Crow. 

Now they’re united in their justice. They act as one.

Ren sits up, his shirt—no, Goro’s shirt—slipping down to reveal his bare shoulder. He doesn’t cover his soulmark up anymore, except on missions. 

It always gives Goro a possessive thrill, seeing Ren flaunt it so proudly. A necklace of his adoration on his husband’s skin.

They’ve always belonged to each other, but now everyone else can see it too.

Ren pulls the blanket over both of their heads and kisses Goro under the warmth of their sheets. He reaches for Goro’s hand, interlacing. The cool metal of their wedding ring, warmed by being on his finger, presses into Goro’s skin.

 _I’m here_ , one of them thinks. Maybe both of them. _I love you and I’m here_.

And then Ren is pushing him back down into the bed and Goro can’t think beyond Ren’s lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Pana, you wanted murder boyfriends so I snuck a little bit near the end haha. <3 Special thanks to Tash again for helping me work out some of the kinks in this chapter when I was having pre-posting jitters! 
> 
> I looked up all the flower meanings as I was writing, but I thought I'd define some of the important ones here. Of course these will differ based on the source you use and all that:
> 
> Asphodels - my regrets follow you to the grave  
> Anemones - protection against evil / anticipation / excitement / forsaken love  
> Ivy - loyalty, affection  
> Tulip - undying love  
> Lavender - purity / silence / devotion  
> Camellia - longing / adoration  
> Sunflower - good luck / lasting happiness  
> Sweet Pea - blissful pleasure / thank you / goodbye  
> Peony - honor, beauty in all forms  
> Lilac - a reminder of first love  
> Iris - everlasting promises / wisdom / messages / admiration  
> Honeysuckle - happiness / devotion


End file.
